DEEP BREATHS
I’m so fuckin bored! Work is ceasing to be.
It’s a big sigh kinda day. Yet another friend is runnin off to asia and will probably come back married or some shit. It’s hard lookin around and being the only person standing still. Is it irony that I’ve wasted so much effort perfecting the art of standing still and not letting things get to me just to be saddened by it now? Or is it just pathetic?
My brother called me crying yesterday. strange, the weather didn’t forecast any frost in hell. My dad’s tumour is malignant, doctor sez dad needs to under the knife or chemo, dad’s to scared to operate, blah blah blah. I haven’t cried yet – is this strange? Am I pending a major meltdown? Or am I ok? I couldn’t stand the idea that operating might be the more desirable option and that dad would pass that up cuz he’s scared (I see where I get this dodge and forget mentality from) so I called the doctor myself to discuss. Turns out operating isn’t even a consideration. It’s chemo or radiation therapy. Don’t ask me the difference, I’d only shrug. How do 2 grow ups completely miss the point? I guess my dad has an excuse being ancient and 2nd language and all but WTF is my brother’s excuse. My mom called and asked that I go with my dad to the check up but I didn’t. I figured that my brother wasn’t working – it only made sense. Silly me.
Is it strange that I went directly into planning mode? Money, money and more money issues. It’s like a fire lit under my ass – I have so much to do.
Do u s’posse my dad is more disappointed that he never saw me graduate or that he never got to meet my husband? What’s scarier for him? I can’t decide. That I’m ill equipped or that I’m all alone – the polls r open, which will destroy me first?
It’s a big sigh kinda day. Yet another friend is runnin off to asia and will probably come back married or some shit. It’s hard lookin around and being the only person standing still. Is it irony that I’ve wasted so much effort perfecting the art of standing still and not letting things get to me just to be saddened by it now? Or is it just pathetic?
My brother called me crying yesterday. strange, the weather didn’t forecast any frost in hell. My dad’s tumour is malignant, doctor sez dad needs to under the knife or chemo, dad’s to scared to operate, blah blah blah. I haven’t cried yet – is this strange? Am I pending a major meltdown? Or am I ok? I couldn’t stand the idea that operating might be the more desirable option and that dad would pass that up cuz he’s scared (I see where I get this dodge and forget mentality from) so I called the doctor myself to discuss. Turns out operating isn’t even a consideration. It’s chemo or radiation therapy. Don’t ask me the difference, I’d only shrug. How do 2 grow ups completely miss the point? I guess my dad has an excuse being ancient and 2nd language and all but WTF is my brother’s excuse. My mom called and asked that I go with my dad to the check up but I didn’t. I figured that my brother wasn’t working – it only made sense. Silly me.
Is it strange that I went directly into planning mode? Money, money and more money issues. It’s like a fire lit under my ass – I have so much to do.
Do u s’posse my dad is more disappointed that he never saw me graduate or that he never got to meet my husband? What’s scarier for him? I can’t decide. That I’m ill equipped or that I’m all alone – the polls r open, which will destroy me first?
posted by tunabelly at 5:05 p.m.
3 Comments:
Hang in there kid. I'll come up again soon, we'll see if we can't make you feel just a bit better.
hey, this is kinda random-- but is this the person that used to have the xanga ladyjaye??? if it is, i see that you don't want to use it anymore... could you delete it, so i can use the name... i would greatly appreciate it!! thank you
Call me if you need anything.
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