I FEEL LIKE LINUS TODAY - STILL LOOKIN FOR THE TRUE MEANING OF XMAS

LINUS
Originally uploaded by jennasi.

it's been an off week for me. i can't do anything right and nothing feels right or even ok. my motivation is in the negatives - for no reason. i'm exhibiting signs of depression but i'd like to think otherwise.

i've been told that the weather effects my moods but i fail to find any of this evidence. i get into funks and i get out of 'em - i have no idea what the weather's like outside during all of this.

i've been feeling sad. sorta down. my thoughts r always wondering off, i'm perpetually dazed, splillin things and knockin crap over. every day i feel like it all woulda been fine if i had just stayed in bed. this week should not exist, should not have been. it's somehow wrong and i am somehow out of place. i'm not totally depressed, i still manage to be a wise ass for most of the day but there's a sense of having to drag myself from one point to the next and there's always a flash, to surrender and drop dead half way there.

i've been very sad since xmas. or it might be more true to say that i've been easily moved, dramatically emotional with a caldroun of nasty thoughts stewing. my emtional reaction to life has been enhanced and i just happen to be thinkin 'bout sad things alot lately. maybe i'm lonley? i don't really think so - i don't think i've ever had so many friends before. there were always people - lots and all sorts - but real friends were always few. lonliness is logical - it would make sense if these were merely pangs of lonliness but i don't really think that's quite it.

more accurately i think i feel alone. not the teenagey, angsty loner type but an outsider none the less. it's really the lack of family that does it - not only the lack but the loss. it was the dying for it, the working for it, the bleedin and suckin it all up - good or bad - only to lose it in a mad rush of nasty rumours, accusations and hurt feelings. everywhere i go - i feel outside, a spectator with a peep hole armed with a bottle of longing and junked out on the pain of once having. it's dwellin on glory days passed and realizing i shoulda, woulda, coulda. there was so much to be grateful for.

i'm doin it again, aren't i? drama drama drama. it's not as bad as i make it out to be. the darkness isn't in the forefront, just a sense that nags at the back of head. little things make me sigh, i'm always lookin for a good cry now but there's been a doublin of efforts to cherish the moments that i'm able to slip away from the dark cloud. and there's alot of these moments, there's alot to be thankful for and alot to be really happy about. it's only fair i've got a coupla of skeletons jabbin away at my insides, right? everybody's gotta have a couple of these, else the world tips over on it's axis and we all implode cuz the universe is not aligned.