DRAINAGE

i feel like i'm dying.

the short of it:

• i went up to quesnel for the weekend to "get away"
• we took a wrong turn somewhere - the drive which was s'possed to be 7hrs took 11
• i hit a deer on the way there - it took my psgr side mirror off but i don't know how injured it was, i couldn't find it after. i now have a fear of driving at night and i'm having nightmares of this bloody deer jumpin out at me all pissed of and shit so needless to say - i'm not sleeping well
• andy came up from LA to make sure i was ok after realizing how shaken up i was about the whole deer thing - he left yesterday
• the night i got back i needed to call janet in japan and found out my cell phone doesn't do international callin so i tried to buy a phone card online (JANET, I 'VE BEEN CALLING EVERY NIGHT, CAN'T GET TRHU)
• the site i went to was screwed up, it kept declining all my credit cards when i know i have enough to pay for the fuckin $10 calling card
• the next morning i woke up to mastercard tellin me that this website has been continuously charging my card for the last 4 hrs and i now owe them over $1000
• i got calls from my other 3 credit card companies as well that day
• the website people have no idea what happened and i've been on the phone way too much trying to fix all of this
• all of my credit cards have been cancelled
• ICBC was gonna jack my insurance to fix my mirror (estimated at about $900 worth of damage) but luckily the estimator found ONE hair on my mirror that i picked up off the highway and so conceeds that i did in fact hit a deer and not a pole but i'm still stuck paying a $300 deductable
• i got pulled over this morning for speeding. i used to go to school with the cop. he was so happy to see me that he stood on the street chattin away for a grand total of 25 minutes. i politely told him "it's been great but i'm really late for work" whereupon he turned stone cold, got pissy and proceeded to write me a $175 ticket!
• my dad has his first consultation with the cancer society - we're proceeding with radiation therapy which involve goin to the hospital every day for 2 weeks. how the fuck am i gonna get this much time off without losing pay? i can't afford that much time off and i need to save my vacation time to take my dad for his last trip to visit his family
• i picked up my car, i was so happy to have it back. familiarity is the best cure for trauma in my humble opinion but as i was driving back to work i noticed 3 little gashes in my door panel! they were fixing the mirror how did i get these gashes? they weren't huge but noticable enough that i first saw them out of my peripheral vision - u don't even need to look at right at 'em to notice 'em!
• this is worse than if it were totally destroyed! it's just a nick but SO close to perfect it hurts. i was debating for the last 2 hrs of work whether or not to take my car back. i was so emotionally drained that i really didn't want to haggle with anybody about who's fault these nicks were - even tho i am 100% sure they were not there when i dropped the car off
• i decided that i let too many of these little things go and as a result am never fully content with the things around me so i decided to go back. on my way back i noticed HUGE (3 in total, 'bout 4-6 inches each) gashes on the panel underneath my glove box. i was so glad i decided to go back.
• when i got back opened my psgr side door to show the guy these gashes and noticed that the grate over my speaker also sported a brand new gash across the whole panel
• i was told he would call a guy to fill 'em in but he's not sure there's much that can be done about the speaker grate. it can't really be filled and it's part of the door panel and replacing the whole panel would run about $700-800 - but we'll deal with this on monday and see how it goes?
• i desperately needed to be held by this point. with andy gone (and god i desperatly need him to come back, but that is too much to ask isn't it?) i tried calling everybody i knew (in vancouver) and no one answered their phone! no one. the prospect of coming home to an empty apartment, alone and hugless is enough to make me throw myself off a cliff.

the lonliness is palpable right now. i feel like i'm dying. everybody i left a message for has just started callin me back, my phones been ringing nonstop for the last half hour but since i'm home and in my favorite comfy jammys - i'm tuckin in for the night and goin to bed and praying for deer-free dreams. i've passed the needing of a hug for now, but not quite ok with being alone yet but i'm not goin anywhere - givin the way my luck has been goin this week, i'm afraid i'll get hit by a plane if i go for a walk or crushed by a boat fallin outta the sky if i dared to grab a cuppa sumthin with someone.