JUST BITCHIN
It amazes me that there r places that can profit from makin u feel like shit about yourself. I guess I’ve always understood the concept and swept it under the carpet as one of those things that just is but this weekend I sorta tripped over the big o’lump I’ve been creating all these years.
It’s mind blowing really. I was at the spa this weekend lookin for some R & R and came out instead with a complex, feelin disgusting and wonderin if I could sell my soul to lose 20 some odd pounds. It’s been naggin me for days, how I feel now and remembering distinctly that 20 some odd pounds ago – I wasn’t all that happy with myself either. I’ve always had a complex lovingly wrapped in snide remarks from my family but the situation has worsened, the complex much enhanced. It’s become overwhelming how crappy I feel and the desperation for change is beginning to stink up my judgment.
I’ve been pickin apart the influences around me that make me feel this way and it’s sickening. The impossible standards r killin me. I’m never gonna be Barbie, the most common of standards, and for obvious reasons – I’ll never be white. I seemed to have been built too “healthy”. In what demented universe is that logic? Ours, I guess.
I recently found out, in the most awkward fashion, that a girl I’ve known for years is bulimic. I keep thinking that I’d rather be fat than subject myself to that but would I really? I guess some part of that must true since this girl is much slimmer than me but how far is that line and how little would it take to push me over it?
What gets me most is how little it takes to send me spiraling into self loathing. It’s a constant effort to be ok with what I am but it seems every time I achieve some level of zen I’m hit hard in the face with something that reminds me that I’m just a big fat liar. I’m not ok. I’m constantly hiding and masking. I’m desperate to be something I’m not.
The standards need to change, there is only so much more that I can.
It’s mind blowing really. I was at the spa this weekend lookin for some R & R and came out instead with a complex, feelin disgusting and wonderin if I could sell my soul to lose 20 some odd pounds. It’s been naggin me for days, how I feel now and remembering distinctly that 20 some odd pounds ago – I wasn’t all that happy with myself either. I’ve always had a complex lovingly wrapped in snide remarks from my family but the situation has worsened, the complex much enhanced. It’s become overwhelming how crappy I feel and the desperation for change is beginning to stink up my judgment.
I’ve been pickin apart the influences around me that make me feel this way and it’s sickening. The impossible standards r killin me. I’m never gonna be Barbie, the most common of standards, and for obvious reasons – I’ll never be white. I seemed to have been built too “healthy”. In what demented universe is that logic? Ours, I guess.
I recently found out, in the most awkward fashion, that a girl I’ve known for years is bulimic. I keep thinking that I’d rather be fat than subject myself to that but would I really? I guess some part of that must true since this girl is much slimmer than me but how far is that line and how little would it take to push me over it?
What gets me most is how little it takes to send me spiraling into self loathing. It’s a constant effort to be ok with what I am but it seems every time I achieve some level of zen I’m hit hard in the face with something that reminds me that I’m just a big fat liar. I’m not ok. I’m constantly hiding and masking. I’m desperate to be something I’m not.
The standards need to change, there is only so much more that I can.
posted by tunabelly at 1:02 p.m.
3 Comments:
Did something happen at the spa or something? I get this way a lot too. In fact, I just finished half a can of Pringles and drank a cup of 7-up. Did I mention that it's 11:30pm? :P
When I interviewed Margaret Cho last week, I asked her about body issues and her own recent weight loss, and she had some good things to say. I'll try to post her response on my blog...
-jaded
WTF! You: crazy.
The beauty standards in this society are screwed! It's really hard to stay positive in this kind of society. However, it's useful to remind yourself that most of the "ideals" are unrealistic and not attainable. Most pictures in mags are photoshopped or edited. It's also nice to think that the average person can find beauty in a variety of forms and people.
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