FUNNY THING ABOUT NEVER

i always knew that i would be deeply effected when i lost a cat but i didn't expect so much crying or the way it sneaks up on u all day long. i didn't expect to be disabled so completely. i never expected to be so alone.

it's funny how the illusions melted away once i reached out - k, it's not so funny. friends are such slippery creatures.

how do i always find myself curled up in the corner, hurt and disappointed, having been let down again? i let them do it. i see it coming, i know who they are and yet some part of me hangs onto the notion that they might be there should i need. but that's the funny thing about me - i never need. but that's the funnier thing about humans - we sometimes need.

it's the ones that promise the world that hurt the most. the others never promised anything at all so i haven't the right and yet i still expect to see a shadow should i look. salt in the wounds of a weary masochist.

to believe that i deserve better is to believe in some sort of order in the world and i don't. being told that i deserve better means nothing. i believe in now and the actions taken now and i believe in moving on and not rebuilding on ruins.

i
never need
never would
wouldn't dare