THE FEAR OF NOT DREAMING

i turned down a job on "Butterfly on the wheel" (Pierce Brosnan), set to shoot in February, and was instantly struck with a pang of panic. i turned the job down so fast i didn't even have time to be polite about it. when i got off the phone with the production manager i began to wonder why it happened so fast, why i turned it down at all. i mean i have been planning to leave. this was supposed to be the time. i'm afraid i've chickened out. have i ceased to strive for bigger and better dreams or am i just being practical?

the film industry is terribly volatile and with a mortgage hanging over my head, can i afford to be chasing dreams? i'm beginning to feel like that time has passed. i've got a secure means of financial income - why on earth would i want to fuck with that? i whine a lot about my work but i know that i'm luckier than most. the people i work with are far from perfect co-workers but the conditions i work under are pretty darn comfy. i am my own boss - most of the time.

i keep meaning to call the union to take me off the "available" list so that productions won't keep calling and i won't keep turning them down and earning myself the reputation of "that girl that never takes any jobs" but the action would feel like the end of something that coulda been great.

i do have my reasons for not taking the job tho. the film industry is going through various changes itself. major american studios have decided to stop flooding the market with so many crap movies that no one wants to see. they've decided to focus on the "big event" movies. in short - less work for the industry all around.

on the other hand, after a short period of panic in BC, our provincial government has decided to extend our recently increased tax credits (18% from 11% for foreign projects and 30% from 20% for domestic) till 2008. the result: continuation of more "big event" features being shot in Vancouver. how this will work out is anyone's guess. i think it'll still work out to less work here if the major studios are cutting back on the number of projects they're shooting.

in breaking news, Vancouver's own Lionsgate Studios have been sold to Bosa Development Corp. which specializes in Residential and Mixed Use Developments. Bosa also owns Mammoth Studios in Burnaby but let's face it - they're not Lionsgate!

it's really a scary time. i'm not just a big, unambitious chicken - right?

i'm not liking myself right now.

a friend of mine has just been offered the payroll position on Jet Li's "Rogue". she's asked me to sign on as well. hopefully we can work something part time out for me. i'm not ready to out right quit this company just yet. i can only hope it's the right decision. i don't wanna be one of those "i coulda been..." crooners.

i can't really wrap my head around any of it. i feel like i get up everyday and am merely playing office. i forget it's real. i forget that i really am growing up and that my time take major risks and chase after dreams is becoming restricted. but is it coming to an end?

for most of my life i wanted to write. i've come to realize in the last couple of years that i am not ever going to do that. whether the talent was there or not has become moot. it will never happen. i am not a writer.

but do i still have dreams?

am i company lifer?

is this what being a grown up is?