BABBLES
bla!
last weekend was chinese new years with my family in 2 parts - both equally bad. in the first my mother criticized how much i ate and did everything short of wrestling me to the ground to make me stop shoveling things into my mouth. hey - i'm a healthy and active girl with a big appetite. in the second, she was horrified that i left the house without any make up on (it's a new thing i've been trying and liking until...oh and did i mention this was right after 3 consecutive dance classes!). she went on to note that i wasn't wearing my signature ninja color and what a moron i was - black is slimming. don't wear anything else. what was i thinking? come picture time she insisted that i stand in the back and made a big show out of putting everyone in front of me to cover up the more aesthetically offense bits of me. my mother...what can i say?
needless to say i've packed on a little weight over the holidays and can't seem to shed it, despite the relentless dancing. the classes have ceased to be hard so i'm really only getting half the work out now. the classes cease to challenge or interest me. it's beginning to feel like another job i have to drag my ass to. the problem is i have rehearsals most days for the team and so end up staying for the classes because there seems to be a shortage of girls (a phenomenon i intend to get to the bottom of) but i'm so exhausted from all this that i don't have the energy for the best part - goin out and dancing! i've been re-evaluating the whole situation but i gotta face it - what do i have if not dancing? i work. i dance. i work. i dance. i'm lame.
in an attempt to break free from salsa guy i've been seeing a non-salsa guy. he was great. he was 100% on paper but no sparkage in person (the exact opposite of the salsa guy problem). non-salsa guy, in theory, was the perfect guy for me yet i held him at bay. instead of time, i offered him gum. instead of getting to know him better i cracked jokes and made him laugh so hard he forgot why we were there. i shut him out and i feel terrible. we put an end to the chaos this week and i'm left feeling a little emptier. i work. i dance. i work. i dance. i'm lame. how the fuck am i gonna ever meet someone else?
there's always salsa guy i guess...the inadequacy of these relationships/non-relationships i find myself in are killin me. it's lonely to be surrounded by all the wrong people. it's so hollowing and i find myself further and further detaching myself to everything around me. it' s numbing. non-salsa guy said, "no wonder u'r still single" after realizing the reality of my schedule. i think he was trying to make to light. i was a little hurt. i think he's right.
i haven't really been in a relationship since jerry. that was 3 years ago. that's a long time isn't it? i've gotten into "things" but not relationships. i get into "things" with people that are impossible to be with. let the record show that the first guy i dated after jerry turned out to be married. the second lived in LA and the one now is a sexist, chauvinistic racist. LA guy once accused me of having commitment issues and as absurd as it sounds, maybe he's not that far off.
the truth is, i have it in my head that the next guy is gonna be the one - he has to be. i'm out of time. i can't afford to come out of another relationship 10 years later and piece my life together again. i just can't. i'm terrified of breaking again cuz i know i won't be able to fix it again. i kinda fluked it this time round.
so for now, i work. i dance. i work. i dance. i stay lonely.
last weekend was chinese new years with my family in 2 parts - both equally bad. in the first my mother criticized how much i ate and did everything short of wrestling me to the ground to make me stop shoveling things into my mouth. hey - i'm a healthy and active girl with a big appetite. in the second, she was horrified that i left the house without any make up on (it's a new thing i've been trying and liking until...oh and did i mention this was right after 3 consecutive dance classes!). she went on to note that i wasn't wearing my signature ninja color and what a moron i was - black is slimming. don't wear anything else. what was i thinking? come picture time she insisted that i stand in the back and made a big show out of putting everyone in front of me to cover up the more aesthetically offense bits of me. my mother...what can i say?
needless to say i've packed on a little weight over the holidays and can't seem to shed it, despite the relentless dancing. the classes have ceased to be hard so i'm really only getting half the work out now. the classes cease to challenge or interest me. it's beginning to feel like another job i have to drag my ass to. the problem is i have rehearsals most days for the team and so end up staying for the classes because there seems to be a shortage of girls (a phenomenon i intend to get to the bottom of) but i'm so exhausted from all this that i don't have the energy for the best part - goin out and dancing! i've been re-evaluating the whole situation but i gotta face it - what do i have if not dancing? i work. i dance. i work. i dance. i'm lame.
in an attempt to break free from salsa guy i've been seeing a non-salsa guy. he was great. he was 100% on paper but no sparkage in person (the exact opposite of the salsa guy problem). non-salsa guy, in theory, was the perfect guy for me yet i held him at bay. instead of time, i offered him gum. instead of getting to know him better i cracked jokes and made him laugh so hard he forgot why we were there. i shut him out and i feel terrible. we put an end to the chaos this week and i'm left feeling a little emptier. i work. i dance. i work. i dance. i'm lame. how the fuck am i gonna ever meet someone else?
there's always salsa guy i guess...the inadequacy of these relationships/non-relationships i find myself in are killin me. it's lonely to be surrounded by all the wrong people. it's so hollowing and i find myself further and further detaching myself to everything around me. it' s numbing. non-salsa guy said, "no wonder u'r still single" after realizing the reality of my schedule. i think he was trying to make to light. i was a little hurt. i think he's right.
i haven't really been in a relationship since jerry. that was 3 years ago. that's a long time isn't it? i've gotten into "things" but not relationships. i get into "things" with people that are impossible to be with. let the record show that the first guy i dated after jerry turned out to be married. the second lived in LA and the one now is a sexist, chauvinistic racist. LA guy once accused me of having commitment issues and as absurd as it sounds, maybe he's not that far off.
the truth is, i have it in my head that the next guy is gonna be the one - he has to be. i'm out of time. i can't afford to come out of another relationship 10 years later and piece my life together again. i just can't. i'm terrified of breaking again cuz i know i won't be able to fix it again. i kinda fluked it this time round.
so for now, i work. i dance. i work. i dance. i stay lonely.
posted by tunabelly at 10:19 a.m.
1 Comments:
"there seems to be a shortage of girls (a phenomenon i intend to get to the bottom of)"
you're going to get to the bottom of the girls problem? sweet! or are you just going to get to the bottom of girls? personally, i like girls' bottoms... *giggle*
-ack
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