BACK TO WORK
on friday i went to Atlantis. i'm still tryin to scrub the snooty pretension off me raw body. gag! it sucked. we went to plush after and i was much happier.
i missed the powell street festival and the pride parade due to some poor time management but i did get a good sun soakin at the beach and i caught the festival after the parade.
sunday night i went to the night market in richmond and picked up some old cd's. we went for a long drive to reminisce in some of the early 90's chinese pop culture. we went to white cliff, deep cove, british properties...it was a really long drive. we sang and drove and talked.
just over 2 hours into the drive i realize how much i've been talking and how much i needed to unload. life is good. i've come a long way. sometime last week rhonda's mom told me that in all the time she's known me she's never seen me smile. she's never seen me happy, i was such a somber child and such an emotional-wreck of a teen. she's known me for the better part of 18 years. this struck a sad chord in me. so much time wasted and, in hind sight i see, all it took was cutting ties to the things that hurt me.
my head's been filled with his propaganda 'bout being a big person, 'bout forgiving and moving past...no hard feelings. fuck it! i have every right to feel the way i do, it gives me strength and the wisdom to not look back. i'm a little, petty person and that's just fine.
i'm finally picking apart the amalgam that was created for him. i'm shedding the bits i detested and donning a new found guilt for friends lost along the way. i was weak and silly. i believed in him and i'm left with a sadness, mourning the peices that can never be put back in place. there are some pictures, no matter how perfect they once were, that are smeared with a hurtful hand that was really only meant to push away the pain.
i don't miss him. i keep expecting to unearth some repressed feelings of regret but they r not there. it's still just me, it's always been just me and i'm the only person i've ever been important to - only now there's no one to make me insignificant. i can finally unload, unpack my burdens in a place that is unequivocally mine, my very own.
i can finally go home.
i missed the powell street festival and the pride parade due to some poor time management but i did get a good sun soakin at the beach and i caught the festival after the parade.
sunday night i went to the night market in richmond and picked up some old cd's. we went for a long drive to reminisce in some of the early 90's chinese pop culture. we went to white cliff, deep cove, british properties...it was a really long drive. we sang and drove and talked.
just over 2 hours into the drive i realize how much i've been talking and how much i needed to unload. life is good. i've come a long way. sometime last week rhonda's mom told me that in all the time she's known me she's never seen me smile. she's never seen me happy, i was such a somber child and such an emotional-wreck of a teen. she's known me for the better part of 18 years. this struck a sad chord in me. so much time wasted and, in hind sight i see, all it took was cutting ties to the things that hurt me.
my head's been filled with his propaganda 'bout being a big person, 'bout forgiving and moving past...no hard feelings. fuck it! i have every right to feel the way i do, it gives me strength and the wisdom to not look back. i'm a little, petty person and that's just fine.
i'm finally picking apart the amalgam that was created for him. i'm shedding the bits i detested and donning a new found guilt for friends lost along the way. i was weak and silly. i believed in him and i'm left with a sadness, mourning the peices that can never be put back in place. there are some pictures, no matter how perfect they once were, that are smeared with a hurtful hand that was really only meant to push away the pain.
i don't miss him. i keep expecting to unearth some repressed feelings of regret but they r not there. it's still just me, it's always been just me and i'm the only person i've ever been important to - only now there's no one to make me insignificant. i can finally unload, unpack my burdens in a place that is unequivocally mine, my very own.
i can finally go home.
posted by tunabelly at 11:29 p.m.
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