LOVE ACTUALLY, MEH...NOT REALLY

i was a little confused yesterday. i spent the day building anxiety, quivering with anticipation and fighting the urge to throw up. i didn't know what to make of the seeing of each other - i was all happy and pukey. but work beacons he responds.

i picked up videos on the way from work and spent the night in. it'd been a while since i'd spent any real time at home - i didn't know what to do with myself. it was all awfully confusing, and my cats kept pearin at me in thier peripheral as if i were interupting somethin very sinisterly important.

i watched Never Been Kissed first. Drew Barrymore (homely does not become her!). i didn't realize that i'd already seen this one but i picked it up so i could drool over Michael Vartan .
it was a crappy movie but i got what i wanted outta it. then i watched Love Actually. no good either. i couldn't really care less 'bout any of the relationships that were developing - i didn't care 'bout any of the characters, well except for the kid - he was cute, i cared about him. him the very yummy carl. all in all a bit of a dissappointment.

6 hours on the couch eating left overs and craving romance. change is swirling all around me - i was never that girl with a box of choco things and hankies armed with dangerous chick flicks. i mean liked them, they were great for leaving my brain behind and oober-veg-fests but it's stirring something now.

i think maybe it's the fume of possibility i'm gettin so high off of. things used to be pretty set, romance was something that only happened in the movies and the sweet guys were all made up. it made sense. my world was in order, logical and effecient. i was practical and real and no off feet sweeping type. and the guy i was with...well he was him.

now...hmmm...now it's all about the fantasy. the guy i end up with could be the hottest guy ever, the sweetest, the everythng i ever wanted. he could be romantic and brilliant all rolled into one great big hunk of yum. maybe not knowing the future is better, not knowing who i'll end up with - it'll be a surprise and it really could be anything i wanted it to be.

but i'm already aching for it. how quickly i tire of the game. i don't want to be the mouse any more and i'm sick and tired of being the pussy. what if the surprise turns out to be a punchline instead? not knowing is great for awhile, certainly makes the fantasy all the more exciting but how can i be sure the chase doesn't play itself out forever? that i haven't missed something?
this is just a bad reaction to some poorly received intel, isn't it? who knows...
i think i'm lonley.

just Fuckedup Insecure Neurotic Emotional!