MY RAYRAY

It’s funny how a song can sometimes bring the reality of your absence crashing down on me. It breaks my chest, the ache, the dull throb, the yearning and wanting to go back in time. Say the things I always meant to say and kiss you the way you always wanted. I can almost feel you, taste you. I can hear you and that old Eric Clapton song you loved so much.

It’s a harsh breath, a flood of longing for you to warm my hands. Insanity is the all consuming need for power. The power to will it the way it should be, the way you want it to be. The need and the want wrap tightly round my mind, twisting, choking the life out of you. I watch you die every day and my feet only want to follow. I somehow feel that I know what you thought when it happened. I hate that I can’t love you more for it and how I could never tell you. I feel like I failed you in not deciding in time, for being blind and afraid to let you in.

I can’t think about you. The insanity of it takes root, holds me fast. There is no way to move on and it makes me want to die. I’ll be crushed by all my own clichés, drowned in my own crazy. There’s so much guilt with no where to spill and no reason to exist, it just does and it’s never needed justification, it’s only ever needed the thought of you.

You are the darkness that is my past. The baggage I never thought to put down. You are where memory begins, the moment before sunrise, the reason I am me. I hate you for being the one thing I couldn’t love more. You’ve become perfection incarnate. You are the answer to everything, the right that conquers the wrong, the moment that would have changed my life forever – all just because you could never be.