XMAS BLUES
it occured to me tonight that i still think about him way too much and, crazily enough, still a little hurt that he probably goes months or forever without ever thinkin of me. he never thought much of me while we were together, why would he now? me insane? well...i never made any claims otherwise.
i think i know why i'm dreading xmas so much.
u see, the better part of a decade was spent with a guy that never thought much of special occasions. 9 birthdays with the guy and i got a grand total of 1 whopin birthday present or a better way of puttin it, i got 1 birthday suprise the whole time we were together. don't get me wrong, it's not the gift that's important - it's not havin to beat u'r boyfriend over the head to acknowledge that it's at least special to u. it woulda been nice. valentine's - well i was never really into that either but it woulda been a good excuse to do somethin for a coupla people that never did anythin. anniversary's - they were just terribly inconvenient for him since it fell somewhere 'round finals. shit! i shoulda met him some other time i guess! or, not at all.
so here it is. december. xmas cheer threatening my well being around every corner. that's the one he let me have. special occasions were non-existent with this guy but xmas was special. it wasn't always, it took years for me to win this one. i remember there was one year i painted a fire place and had hoped that we might hang stockings over it come xmas. yeah it was a shitty fireplace, i tend to suck at arts & crafts, make horrendously ugly things. it was child like and small but it was all i had, the best i could do. it was left by the window and was thoroughly ruined by the rain. that's sorta the way i remember him now. it was a crazy idea to begin with and for lack of something it was completely ruined. lack of what? i dunno, maybe it woulda worked if either of any inkling at all. we never had a chance. we never had a clue.
the last few xmas' were magical tho. it wasn't just him but i'll grudgingly admit he was a big part of it. there was family, his & mine and there was love, for each other and for life. for those that know me know how important finding a family was to me and how rare it was that i had any love for life. the words home & family r my holy grail and i loved his family for welcoming me and treating me as if i really were a part of something.
what's it today, the 5th? we're gettin pretty close, but not close enough to panic just quite yet. 20 days and where am i? i'm at home, and not just some gushy sentiment 'bout where ur heart is but i have an address on a real street with a real postal code and everything. and where's the love? it's everywhere. i have never felt so loved and been so enamoured with the idea of being alive. as for family...well, 2 outta 3 ain't bad. this'll hafta a be a work in progress. i hope my present finds his family well but i'm facing the fact, now that i know he's got another girlfriend, that they r his and he'll be bringin someone else home.
my family? well, after a series of bad capital ventures together, we all seem to hate each other again. the last few years were wonderful watchin my family come together and feelin like maybe i was already a part of something great but i've spent the whole year watchin it fall apart, watchin us hurt each other, gouging, hating and killing each other, as i'm so prone to say, a little bit everyday. there r no words for my sadness.
but, i've got friends and people who love me. even phil's invited me to meet his family in toronto. but this is all sounding too dejavuish so, of course, i declined. the last time i gave in to the seasonal blues and acted against my better judgement i came home broken and any hope of a friendship shattered, any illusion of being loved dispelled.
nah. phil and i don't need to go there. we haven't really inflicted any hurt on each other yet, so we should really quit while we're still good. it's odd for me look back on it tho and see more special occasions with phil than i had with my ex. part of me is sad but mostly it gives me hope. it was only half a year with phil, imagine what happens when i really fall in love. that's a happy thought. it wasn't me that couldn't be happy, there just wasn't all that much to be happy about.
so, my plans to spend xmas in vegas have been dashed. i thought it woulda been easier if i weren't here, surrounded by the quiet of xmas. i don't know if u've ever noticed but if u go outside on xmas, it's eerily quiet. i know now that inside, it's excitement, it's gifts and warmth, love and hugs and smiles, festive and contentment, it gettin everything u ever wanted. outside, tho, is nothing but the silence of wanting. so i was gonna go away but my vacation request was declined. too busy. and u know, it's great to be so busy right now, so busy i don't hafta think about it all that much but what do i do come xmas eve and how do i make it thru xmas day?
i think i know why i'm dreading xmas so much.
u see, the better part of a decade was spent with a guy that never thought much of special occasions. 9 birthdays with the guy and i got a grand total of 1 whopin birthday present or a better way of puttin it, i got 1 birthday suprise the whole time we were together. don't get me wrong, it's not the gift that's important - it's not havin to beat u'r boyfriend over the head to acknowledge that it's at least special to u. it woulda been nice. valentine's - well i was never really into that either but it woulda been a good excuse to do somethin for a coupla people that never did anythin. anniversary's - they were just terribly inconvenient for him since it fell somewhere 'round finals. shit! i shoulda met him some other time i guess! or, not at all.
so here it is. december. xmas cheer threatening my well being around every corner. that's the one he let me have. special occasions were non-existent with this guy but xmas was special. it wasn't always, it took years for me to win this one. i remember there was one year i painted a fire place and had hoped that we might hang stockings over it come xmas. yeah it was a shitty fireplace, i tend to suck at arts & crafts, make horrendously ugly things. it was child like and small but it was all i had, the best i could do. it was left by the window and was thoroughly ruined by the rain. that's sorta the way i remember him now. it was a crazy idea to begin with and for lack of something it was completely ruined. lack of what? i dunno, maybe it woulda worked if either of any inkling at all. we never had a chance. we never had a clue.
the last few xmas' were magical tho. it wasn't just him but i'll grudgingly admit he was a big part of it. there was family, his & mine and there was love, for each other and for life. for those that know me know how important finding a family was to me and how rare it was that i had any love for life. the words home & family r my holy grail and i loved his family for welcoming me and treating me as if i really were a part of something.
what's it today, the 5th? we're gettin pretty close, but not close enough to panic just quite yet. 20 days and where am i? i'm at home, and not just some gushy sentiment 'bout where ur heart is but i have an address on a real street with a real postal code and everything. and where's the love? it's everywhere. i have never felt so loved and been so enamoured with the idea of being alive. as for family...well, 2 outta 3 ain't bad. this'll hafta a be a work in progress. i hope my present finds his family well but i'm facing the fact, now that i know he's got another girlfriend, that they r his and he'll be bringin someone else home.
my family? well, after a series of bad capital ventures together, we all seem to hate each other again. the last few years were wonderful watchin my family come together and feelin like maybe i was already a part of something great but i've spent the whole year watchin it fall apart, watchin us hurt each other, gouging, hating and killing each other, as i'm so prone to say, a little bit everyday. there r no words for my sadness.
but, i've got friends and people who love me. even phil's invited me to meet his family in toronto. but this is all sounding too dejavuish so, of course, i declined. the last time i gave in to the seasonal blues and acted against my better judgement i came home broken and any hope of a friendship shattered, any illusion of being loved dispelled.
nah. phil and i don't need to go there. we haven't really inflicted any hurt on each other yet, so we should really quit while we're still good. it's odd for me look back on it tho and see more special occasions with phil than i had with my ex. part of me is sad but mostly it gives me hope. it was only half a year with phil, imagine what happens when i really fall in love. that's a happy thought. it wasn't me that couldn't be happy, there just wasn't all that much to be happy about.
so, my plans to spend xmas in vegas have been dashed. i thought it woulda been easier if i weren't here, surrounded by the quiet of xmas. i don't know if u've ever noticed but if u go outside on xmas, it's eerily quiet. i know now that inside, it's excitement, it's gifts and warmth, love and hugs and smiles, festive and contentment, it gettin everything u ever wanted. outside, tho, is nothing but the silence of wanting. so i was gonna go away but my vacation request was declined. too busy. and u know, it's great to be so busy right now, so busy i don't hafta think about it all that much but what do i do come xmas eve and how do i make it thru xmas day?
posted by tunabelly at 2:49 a.m.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home