WTF
i'm riding out the strangest roller coaster of emotions i've ever experienced. i don't know who i am and i'm a little afraid for myself.
i spent friday night in a lull of depression and angry with myself for being me. rhonda finally found another job and will be returning to korea for another year. the summer is coming to a sudden and dreary end.
i feel like a sulky child, i wanna whine and bitch - it hasn't been enough time and i haven't gotten my fill. i'm angry at myself for being such a chicken shit and i want more time to rectify this but i'm sure given the chance, i'd still be shy and quiet and would never do the approaching. i'm depressed that the summer involved so few new people and even fewer new people of interest. as a matter of fact the only guy i find myself interested in is married...long complicated story...married/not married...eh...i can't tell and don't know what to make of it all.
this dating thing sucks and it's hard. i find myself, for the first time in my life, afraid of growing old alone. this isn't an issue i've ever had to think about, i thought we were golden but obviously not.
i've been desperately trying to play, meet new people, laid back and just have me a good old time but i find myself tiring of the game so quickly. i'm getting lonely and terrified of how much worse it's gonna get when rhonda leaves again. it's fun when i'm in the thick of it, but dark and cold when i'm not. how do u figure out what u want? what is enough? he's not cute enough. he's not fun enough. not smart enough. i want it all, is it possible?
i've spent too long just shy of content, i'll be damned if i settle again for something non-ideal but how do i know when to call it quits? i guess most people will just tell me i'll know when the right person comes along but how true could this be? no one i know is dating a complete ideal copy of their fantasy - what makes me think i might find this? when did my love life become so complicated?
mind you...now that i've set the words down, etched in cyber blood, i realize i'm being a prat. if this is the worse of my problems, i'm doin ok. my love life really was hella more complicated before. booze abuse, anti-romantic and unavailable. at least i can rule out all these things unless i'm stupid enough to latch myself onto one of these again but i think i've found the strength to know better next time.
*sigh* this is better than the alternative. it should be exciting, but i'm having a hard time shakin this little gray cloud followin me around.
i spent friday night in a lull of depression and angry with myself for being me. rhonda finally found another job and will be returning to korea for another year. the summer is coming to a sudden and dreary end.
i feel like a sulky child, i wanna whine and bitch - it hasn't been enough time and i haven't gotten my fill. i'm angry at myself for being such a chicken shit and i want more time to rectify this but i'm sure given the chance, i'd still be shy and quiet and would never do the approaching. i'm depressed that the summer involved so few new people and even fewer new people of interest. as a matter of fact the only guy i find myself interested in is married...long complicated story...married/not married...eh...i can't tell and don't know what to make of it all.
this dating thing sucks and it's hard. i find myself, for the first time in my life, afraid of growing old alone. this isn't an issue i've ever had to think about, i thought we were golden but obviously not.
i've been desperately trying to play, meet new people, laid back and just have me a good old time but i find myself tiring of the game so quickly. i'm getting lonely and terrified of how much worse it's gonna get when rhonda leaves again. it's fun when i'm in the thick of it, but dark and cold when i'm not. how do u figure out what u want? what is enough? he's not cute enough. he's not fun enough. not smart enough. i want it all, is it possible?
i've spent too long just shy of content, i'll be damned if i settle again for something non-ideal but how do i know when to call it quits? i guess most people will just tell me i'll know when the right person comes along but how true could this be? no one i know is dating a complete ideal copy of their fantasy - what makes me think i might find this? when did my love life become so complicated?
mind you...now that i've set the words down, etched in cyber blood, i realize i'm being a prat. if this is the worse of my problems, i'm doin ok. my love life really was hella more complicated before. booze abuse, anti-romantic and unavailable. at least i can rule out all these things unless i'm stupid enough to latch myself onto one of these again but i think i've found the strength to know better next time.
*sigh* this is better than the alternative. it should be exciting, but i'm having a hard time shakin this little gray cloud followin me around.
posted by tunabelly at 11:08 p.m.
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