BABBLES

i'm sad.

big surprise - i know.

i feel numb and distant from the girl that found wonder everywhere she looked. is this growing up?

i'm burrowing myself into work again. i find solace and a strange sense of satisfaction in knowing what i am doing, what i'm supposed be doing and knowing that i am doing it well. my world ceases to grow yet that's not what i'm sad about.

i've stopped striving to be a better daughter, a better friend, a better person. i'm too busy building my cocoon. it's pathetic how the smallest hurt sends me running.

i had an epiphany tonight. i live in the past. i spend so much time collecting things i want to remember, music, movies, toys. all my resources have been spent trying to hang onto the past, ensuring that i always remember. maybe there's value in the things we forget or merely in the act of forgetting. it's a cleansing of sorts - making room for the new. i don't spend enough time wanting new things, new adventures. i'm forever catching up on the old and never seeking out the new.

i feel horribly sufficient tonight.