RUNNING

i feel like i've been running round in circles forever.

i'm always running so hard that i'm panting and pained by the time i end up here and every time i'm running fast, i think i'm fast enough and clever enough to run right past here but i never ever do.

i'm restless and unsettled. i'm overflowing with words that can't be strung together and thoughts that don't quite fully form. it's like i'm not quite sad but just thinking sad.

who can i love if i can't love you?

PERSPECTIVE

i've been having a really hard time comprehending the notion of time. one of my cats is sick and i took her to the vet yesterday. i had finally decided to change vets since our former one was out in vancouver and i haven't lived in the city for years. wow - and there it is again. time. i moved into this apartment 3 years ago. out of vancouver 6 years ago.

the vet asked me how old Cookie was. i did the math and was stunned. i guess i always knew but never really thought about it. my 2 other cats i took in while they were kittens. i know what day they were born. not Cookie tho. she was a stray headed for the chopping block. the vet guessed that she was about 7 at the time and no one wanted to adopt an old cat. that was 7 years ago. 14 cat years is approximately 85 human years. Cookie's a senior citizen.

i've got some perspective now and i'm worried.

fingers crossed.

where has all that time gone? when did my cat get old? when did i get so old?

DEPRESSION

what is it about this hour and me? i've been having trouble sleeping all week. i don't want to do anything. i drag my ass around all day just waiting for it end and then at night i can't sleep.

there's something about the quiet and me.

i was looking at some old some old posts and have come to the conclusion that i am manic. i've always had a problem with depression but i never thought i was manicly so. manic depression is signified by extreme emotions. extreme ups and extreme downs. i've never thought of myself as an extremely happy person. i was a pretty angsty teen. but i've just realized how easily moved to giddiness i am and oh how i come crashing down at the smallest thing.

gill mentioned to me today that i have no middle ground - and she would know. i can't think of any other friend i spend more time with. working full-time with someone does that. does anyone ever find middle ground? is it really just me?

it's been a long fight wrought with shame and denial. it's the monster i closed my eyes to and pretended it was all make believe. i get blue, who doesn't? but i don't really get blue. one day i'm so happy you would swear i had woodland creatures following me around, the next i'm all about the doom and gloom.

blogging has only proved how manic i am.

after all these years, i'm still afraid of the monster in my closet.

lame.

BABBLES

if i could love you, i would.

if i could let him love me, i would.

i'm stuck between a cotton ball and a soft place.

it's called commitment issue-ville. welcome.

i've also been in denial - nice place. ever been?

so how does this work? how do you make one foot step in front of the other and then repeat. heck - fuck repeating, i'd settle for not leaping back three steps every time i've made one. how do you take a step and make it stick? is it my ever-so stylish boots?

moving on. how's it work? do we ever really? so much everything changes, so much they stay the same - only, the baggage gets heavier to burden.

i'm speaking in cliches again but it can't be helped. the whole situation is tacky and overdone. it's a post-modern world. contentment is passe. we've all been told that ultimate happiness is attainable. no one settles any more. we're all better and deserve better. it's the holy grail and we are all the monty python.

J, thank you for making hockey make sense. i've got so much to say to you but not the balls to do it. i would love you if i could.

A, thank you for calling the wrong number every now and then. i've got so much to say to you but the fear is crippling. i would let you love me if i could.

it's time to move on - for all of us. i've been in a holding pattern for years. i'm tired and spent. i can't keep chasing old dreams. they only become worn and tatterred.

who am i, anyway, to command such attention? i'm undeserving. i've tricked you to believe i'm someone else. someone you could love. i lack the conviction.

i'm no longer a dreamer. i'm not longer a writer or a poet. i'm no longer wanting.

G, thank you for just being you. there's nothing else to say and for that, i am grateful. we don't love each other.

i'm standing still.

thank you for letting me do that.

BABBLES

i'm sad.

big surprise - i know.

i feel numb and distant from the girl that found wonder everywhere she looked. is this growing up?

i'm burrowing myself into work again. i find solace and a strange sense of satisfaction in knowing what i am doing, what i'm supposed be doing and knowing that i am doing it well. my world ceases to grow yet that's not what i'm sad about.

i've stopped striving to be a better daughter, a better friend, a better person. i'm too busy building my cocoon. it's pathetic how the smallest hurt sends me running.

i had an epiphany tonight. i live in the past. i spend so much time collecting things i want to remember, music, movies, toys. all my resources have been spent trying to hang onto the past, ensuring that i always remember. maybe there's value in the things we forget or merely in the act of forgetting. it's a cleansing of sorts - making room for the new. i don't spend enough time wanting new things, new adventures. i'm forever catching up on the old and never seeking out the new.

i feel horribly sufficient tonight.

BABBLES

my laughter felt forced today.

i feel like it's 5 years ago.

i'm still just a dumb little girl that dreams way to big for her teeny-tiny world.

pathetic.