RAINY DAYS
it's typical vancouver weather, i feel like i'm drowning.
my dad's in the hospital.
i remember when i was little my dad used to tell me that i was his lucky star. life was crap, they lived in a basement on jackson street in chinatown and my dad was in and out of the hospital once or twice a year. i don't remember the jackson street house. he eventually got a job at Venice Bakery taking care of the machines. he was paid comfortably enough to buy a house to move his family into by the time i was born. the house was paid off for as long as i could remember.
he hasn't been in the hospital since i've been born. even though i've been watchin him die for the last few years, this was still quite a scare. it comes from nowhere and bites u in the ass.
i spent most of my life under the impression that when my dad died i wouldn't cry. there was very little love in my life for him. it was a difficult relationship at best, always strained and hopeless. i could never be what he wanted me to be. i was the world's biggest dissappointment because i had the nerve to be born a girl. i was never something to be proud of - just something he hung onto for safe keeping till someone came to take me off his hands. i was never expected to take care of him, i was never meant to stay a part of his family but here i am, all he has to reach his hand out to when he is afraid.
i've never seen someone so terribly alone.
he missed me when i moved out a few years back. he calls me at work once a week - every time the same, "i can't remember what i was gonna say." i think he just needs to hear his own voice and make sure that i'm still here. he asks why i don't come home for dinner, he tells me he wants to see me cuz he can't remember what i look like. it pains me that only distance could make us love each other. it kills me to consider that he may just be settling for me because it's all he has. the only one who jumps when he cries out.
i think i'll cry when my dad dies. i'm already weeping for his sadness, all that he's lost , the guilt makes me sob some nights, raging over things i can't control, things i can't change.
my family kills me a little bit each day.
there's a saying in chinese about both sides of ur hand being ur own flesh. i'm constantly caught in the middle, sad for everyone but never able to draw up sides - no matter how much they want me to. the war's been waged for so long - one against one against one against one. no one can win.
he will die without a son to be proud of - in his eyes, he has failed and will always be alone.
am i gonna be as alone when i die?
i have a fear that i'll be the only one there to hold his hand when he goes and my name will be no where in the last of pleading breaths and when i go, his is still the only acceptance i still need.
my dad's in the hospital.
i remember when i was little my dad used to tell me that i was his lucky star. life was crap, they lived in a basement on jackson street in chinatown and my dad was in and out of the hospital once or twice a year. i don't remember the jackson street house. he eventually got a job at Venice Bakery taking care of the machines. he was paid comfortably enough to buy a house to move his family into by the time i was born. the house was paid off for as long as i could remember.
he hasn't been in the hospital since i've been born. even though i've been watchin him die for the last few years, this was still quite a scare. it comes from nowhere and bites u in the ass.
i spent most of my life under the impression that when my dad died i wouldn't cry. there was very little love in my life for him. it was a difficult relationship at best, always strained and hopeless. i could never be what he wanted me to be. i was the world's biggest dissappointment because i had the nerve to be born a girl. i was never something to be proud of - just something he hung onto for safe keeping till someone came to take me off his hands. i was never expected to take care of him, i was never meant to stay a part of his family but here i am, all he has to reach his hand out to when he is afraid.
i've never seen someone so terribly alone.
he missed me when i moved out a few years back. he calls me at work once a week - every time the same, "i can't remember what i was gonna say." i think he just needs to hear his own voice and make sure that i'm still here. he asks why i don't come home for dinner, he tells me he wants to see me cuz he can't remember what i look like. it pains me that only distance could make us love each other. it kills me to consider that he may just be settling for me because it's all he has. the only one who jumps when he cries out.
i think i'll cry when my dad dies. i'm already weeping for his sadness, all that he's lost , the guilt makes me sob some nights, raging over things i can't control, things i can't change.
my family kills me a little bit each day.
there's a saying in chinese about both sides of ur hand being ur own flesh. i'm constantly caught in the middle, sad for everyone but never able to draw up sides - no matter how much they want me to. the war's been waged for so long - one against one against one against one. no one can win.
he will die without a son to be proud of - in his eyes, he has failed and will always be alone.
am i gonna be as alone when i die?
i have a fear that i'll be the only one there to hold his hand when he goes and my name will be no where in the last of pleading breaths and when i go, his is still the only acceptance i still need.
posted by tunabelly at 2:46 p.m.
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