GOBBLE GOBBLE

as i'm wrappin up the thanksgiving weekend with some much needed tidying of party-pad central i realize that i have yet to properly give thanx.

i'm a sucker for tradition and have wanted to interject some into my life for some time now. now is good.

we had turkey at rhonda's on thurs before she left. drunk on meat and gravy at the end of the meal, cyndy expressed regret at having forgotten to toast rhonda. i had one. it'd been stewing in me all night cuz somethin inside makes thx feel proper following good grub.

i raised my glass to old friends and to new friends. rhonda liked it.
if ever were a time i felt thankful it is this year.

i was carryin around so much bitterness toward my ex for too long. i've finally been able to put down some this baggage. i'm pretty sure it started long before we broke up. it's not all his fault that it came to this - i lacked the courage to admit my own defeat.

i'm thankful that i found the strength to move on - to really move on. i spent long hours agonizing over how it should have been, how maybe something could have been preserved. i gave it a go - we gave it a go. i told myself fantastic lies to work him into my life all to no avail, it really only made things worse for me and probably for him too. we were like bad drugs for each other. it was a gross addiction that made irrational junkies out of us. i'm thankful that it is over and my life could be pieced back together without him.

nine years is alot of time to try to reconcile. i'm thankful that i no longer feel the need to analyze what i gleened from it all, what i learned and how it made me a better person. perhaps there is something valuable that i will find in a future self-treasure hunt but for now, i am content with knowing that i am a better person now than ever before and finally, it has nothing to do with him.

i don't hate nor love him. he's in my thoughts quite often but that's to be expected, we grew up together. i've finally realized that i'm not the whack job he thinks i am, to know that we were like a bad chemical reaction.

i'm thankful for my friends, the brain pickers, the scandalous, the quirky - the everything about them that makes me smile and sing to myself when i am alone. i have never felt so alive and so ready to face the world. the world is not such a scary place when my friends are painting it red.
i'm thankful for phil. i'm not quite sure why yet but i am. it's not just the sex, it's the very small gestures, the quirks that make me tingle. it's kinda nice that he doesn't know - it's quite silly and it's fun when it's my little secret. it's amazing that i started the summer lookin for scandalous, red shoe diary worthy experiences and yet i found myself in...well i don't know what it is, but it's made me feel like a million bucks. i don't want to be in love and i'm shaky 'bout what i want but he's filled the billed whatever it was. i guess i'm thankful for the way he makes me feel.
i'm thankful for this year and all those who took up my time, entertained me with racy stories and filled my head with wonder. i am thankful for this time to get to know myself at last.
billy, if u'r reading this, i'm sorry 'bout what happened - perhaps i was a bit harsh, but i stand by my decsion. i dont' want to be ur jerry. u r the proverbial knight but i'm not a damsel in distress. u r in my heart and maybe one day when prespective can be found we can grab a cuppa somthin. i am thankful to have known u and everything u have been to be me. thank u for being u.

i am thankful that i have finally found the strength to close the door to all that was shit.
other things worth mentioning:

my cats' good health

my dad missing me

my gorgeous car and cute as hell apt.

all the dancing my tappy toes can handle

frilly underwear, scandalous cleavage and hot asses ;0p

stuffed animals and the fact that pig tails can still be sexy at this age

cat buses and tree spirits

hot plates

cute boys and the thrill of the game

music that makes me shake my ass

music that makes me want to learn how to play the guitar

music that makes me want to write the most beautiful poem ever written

laughter, wide, jaw-stretching, knee-slappin, cheek-crampin laughter for no reason at all

oddly enough, my computer and all the neat things i'm learning to do with it

i'm sure there's more but i'm certain there is nothing i am more thankful for than simply just
havin so much list here.