OUT OF TIME
day 2 smoke free
i noticed that i laugh out loud even when i'm by myself now. this is a new phenomenon. i take it that it's a good sign, my spirits r up - way up. i have moody days but there's always a sense of ok-edness about me. it hasn't felt dark nor have i been lost in a long while.
i was told today that my dad has a tumour in his lungs. funny thing that it was my brother that told me. he said his "heart stopped." something's happening to him? he's never been a family man, i've never believed he cared. was he really ripped apart by the news? i was at work when he told me. i started crying - it's hard to not to cry when i think about it, even now with just a keyboard, cold monitor and intangible cyber space for company. i've been wondering for so long if i would when the time came. now i know and i'm comforted. the relationship with my dad may not have been wholly reconciled but we have something.
we're not sure if it's malignant yet. we'll find out in a coupla weeks. coupled with his pre-existing lung disease, he seems to be running out of time. he keeps barely escaping, barely living, barely takin up any space. the gloom is mounting in my family and no one knows if they want to cry or shut their eyes, cover their ears and chant "this isn't happening" until they actually believe it. my mom wants to go on a vaction with him. this was a surprise - she's never made a secret of her distain for him, her waiting for him to go.
i want to fix his watch for him. it's gold, antique and close to his heart. the one thing i've ever seen him proud of. i think it was a symbol of his triumph - of his strength to put down the bad and make something of himself without ever looking back.
i always thought that jerry would be with me when i found out. i never thought that i would be alone through this. i don't know who to run to, to lean on. maybe i don't need it any more tho. i've always thought that when it was time, my dad would know that i'd be taken care of. he'd done his job, fulfilled his obligation and seen me to a better keeper. will my dad believe me when i tell him i don't need a man to better me? i'm terribly successful on my own. i remember when i was buying my apartment - he looked at me with the saddest eyes. he said it's really hard to do this on my own, people need to couple up but look dad, no hands! i'm really doin it. and this isn't somethin i woulda trusted myself to do if i had stayed with jerry.
i wonder what my brother's gonna do for dad? is he gonna try to be big brother and try to comfort me? is he gonna break down? is he pretending to care? something in me believes the latter. cynical? yes - but it's the only way to live with my brother.
i've been feelin like my father and i were running outta time. it's been haunting me for years, since i moved back in when i was 20 or 21. i can't remember. the time is near gone and the reality of this is crushin me. jerry always said that no matter what happened, i would know that i did everything i could - there was really nothin else i could have done for my dad. but, have i done enough? is it enough for dad? maybe even more importantly - is it enough for me? cuz i'm the one that has to live with it.
i think about my dad everyday now and i call a few times a week. what else can i do? everyday, every time the phone rings...i am expecting the worse. i've tried to prepare myself for this. i know, though, that no matter how much i prep, or expect, i'm still gonna feel like i didn't see it coming. i'm never gonna realise how soon and i'll say "i never thought so soon" like my brother said today "never thought so serious." this kills me! how can u not realise u'r living with a dying man?
writing about this...it's made me realize how sad i am and how many more tears i have for my dad. i'm bracing myself, quelling the torrent that tickles the back of my eyes. i'm running outta time - i need to know what my dad wants. burial? what kinda coffin? who do i need to tell when it happens? i'm worried that i don't have enough money put aside for this. am i enough?
maybe i can take him to visit his family in calgary. i wonder if i can get any time off work. i worry that i don't have enough time to figure out what i wanna say to him. i hope it's enough for him to hear that i'm ok. cuz i really am and it's all i've got.
i noticed that i laugh out loud even when i'm by myself now. this is a new phenomenon. i take it that it's a good sign, my spirits r up - way up. i have moody days but there's always a sense of ok-edness about me. it hasn't felt dark nor have i been lost in a long while.
i was told today that my dad has a tumour in his lungs. funny thing that it was my brother that told me. he said his "heart stopped." something's happening to him? he's never been a family man, i've never believed he cared. was he really ripped apart by the news? i was at work when he told me. i started crying - it's hard to not to cry when i think about it, even now with just a keyboard, cold monitor and intangible cyber space for company. i've been wondering for so long if i would when the time came. now i know and i'm comforted. the relationship with my dad may not have been wholly reconciled but we have something.
we're not sure if it's malignant yet. we'll find out in a coupla weeks. coupled with his pre-existing lung disease, he seems to be running out of time. he keeps barely escaping, barely living, barely takin up any space. the gloom is mounting in my family and no one knows if they want to cry or shut their eyes, cover their ears and chant "this isn't happening" until they actually believe it. my mom wants to go on a vaction with him. this was a surprise - she's never made a secret of her distain for him, her waiting for him to go.
i want to fix his watch for him. it's gold, antique and close to his heart. the one thing i've ever seen him proud of. i think it was a symbol of his triumph - of his strength to put down the bad and make something of himself without ever looking back.
i always thought that jerry would be with me when i found out. i never thought that i would be alone through this. i don't know who to run to, to lean on. maybe i don't need it any more tho. i've always thought that when it was time, my dad would know that i'd be taken care of. he'd done his job, fulfilled his obligation and seen me to a better keeper. will my dad believe me when i tell him i don't need a man to better me? i'm terribly successful on my own. i remember when i was buying my apartment - he looked at me with the saddest eyes. he said it's really hard to do this on my own, people need to couple up but look dad, no hands! i'm really doin it. and this isn't somethin i woulda trusted myself to do if i had stayed with jerry.
i wonder what my brother's gonna do for dad? is he gonna try to be big brother and try to comfort me? is he gonna break down? is he pretending to care? something in me believes the latter. cynical? yes - but it's the only way to live with my brother.
i've been feelin like my father and i were running outta time. it's been haunting me for years, since i moved back in when i was 20 or 21. i can't remember. the time is near gone and the reality of this is crushin me. jerry always said that no matter what happened, i would know that i did everything i could - there was really nothin else i could have done for my dad. but, have i done enough? is it enough for dad? maybe even more importantly - is it enough for me? cuz i'm the one that has to live with it.
i think about my dad everyday now and i call a few times a week. what else can i do? everyday, every time the phone rings...i am expecting the worse. i've tried to prepare myself for this. i know, though, that no matter how much i prep, or expect, i'm still gonna feel like i didn't see it coming. i'm never gonna realise how soon and i'll say "i never thought so soon" like my brother said today "never thought so serious." this kills me! how can u not realise u'r living with a dying man?
writing about this...it's made me realize how sad i am and how many more tears i have for my dad. i'm bracing myself, quelling the torrent that tickles the back of my eyes. i'm running outta time - i need to know what my dad wants. burial? what kinda coffin? who do i need to tell when it happens? i'm worried that i don't have enough money put aside for this. am i enough?
maybe i can take him to visit his family in calgary. i wonder if i can get any time off work. i worry that i don't have enough time to figure out what i wanna say to him. i hope it's enough for him to hear that i'm ok. cuz i really am and it's all i've got.
posted by tunabelly at 9:14 p.m.
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