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the Davinci Code

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I’ve been feelin rather bah-humbuggy lately. I haven’t mustered one smile yet today. i think I’ve actually been frowning all day and trust me – I’m not a pretty frowner.

I bake when I’m upset. My kitchen is a disaster after a four day bake fest. I think one of my cats got lost in the rumble but he’ll have lotsa sugar and cookie crumbs to sustain him till the rescue team finds him. it could be a while since I would make up the whole team and I’m not quite on top of things.

I’m so sick of this year and anxious for it to be over and done with. I don’t know where this is coming from. It wasn’t a terrible year but maybe time is dulling my memory and I forget how bad a year can really be. when put into perspective, it’s been pretty good, I’m just being ungrateful.

Things I should be grateful for but am not:

Work has been steady. Not break neck hectic, not so slow that I sit here all day picking apart my split ends but it’s been feelin too busy for me. I drag myself in here every morning and spend half the morning tryin to figure out where I left my motivation. I spend the other half trying to pinpoint how slow, exactly, can I type. Then it’s a mad messy rush to get things done cuz I’ve been procrastinating all morning.

The new girl at work isn’t making me hemorrhage outta anywhere but she adds to the ignorance in the office and fuels loud discussions providing a well-lit platform for racist, sexist and bigoted opinions. My “I can’t see u, I can’t hear u, u’r not really here” approach to dealing with my co-workers is failing me. but, the work is getting done, I don’t hate her and I don’t feel like pouncing when I see her – that’s something.

I’ve had a whole whack of job offers in the past little while. The effort to steal me away from company has doubled. I keep fending them off saying it’s too soon, winter’s a crap time to quit, I’m not leaving till the film industry picks up again next spring for security reasons, blah blah blah. I keep sayin it but I don’t really believe it. I’m scared. This job, my ever-shrinkin world has made me dumb, I’ve been lulled into complacency. I don’t remember the last time I did, said or thought anything that meant anything. I’ve accepted that’s it perfectly OK to not be all that bright. I don’t believe I can hack it out there. I no longer believe I can do more/better. I’m sure I will fail if I continue climbing this corporate ladder I’ve been sprinting up. it took three and half years but this company has finally broken me, they’ve sucked my drive and my shiny work ethic right outta me. I’m completely unemployable in terms of work and a complete ditz outside of. Maybe it’s time to go back school? That’s a whole other ugly monster in my closet tho. I think even high school would prove too difficult for me at this point.

Salsa guy and I are still an item. An unmarked, unidentifiable item albeit but it’s something and he makes me smile but I can’t seem to shake this doom & gloom cloud I’ve fixed over us. he’s amazing to me, i’m teetering on fallin in love – with him or something closely associated – but he’s not for me. I fear for my health, my intellect and left-leaning ideals. It’s a harsh thing to think about someone I feel so deeply about and I’m wracked with guilt about these nasty thoughts I’ve been harboring but that doesn’t lessen the validity or the reality of them. It’s a strange situation – he’s sucks in theory but pretty great in person. Isn’t it usually the other way around? It’s all fluffy clouds when I’m with him and dangerously sharp pointy things when I’m far enough away to objectively assess the situation.

I’m friends with the infamous ex again. Turns out he’s still my best friend and a comfort when my head doesn’t have that very attached feelin to it but there is so much guilt. It feels so awkward trying to fit each other back in, to find the appropriate balance between deeply loving each other and not being in love and even more importantly – not appearing to be in love. I’m tired of explaining myself and my strange attachment to him. yes, he was my boyfriend for a freakishly long period of time but why do people have such a hard time believing that I am capable of loving without being in love. Really – I got a lotta love. I’ve finally gotten past the anger. I’ve finally realized that to truly move on and forgiving means letting go of anger. U’d figure I woulda caught on much sooner but that woulda made too much sense. I feel guilty that I ever felt the need to forgive him at all. He didn’t wrong me – we were just wrong for each other and he just happened to be standing exactly where my displacement landed. As hard as it is to admit, we’ve all gotta admit at some point that we r the root cause of our own fucked-upness.

There’s so much more but it looks like the lull in the day has come to an end. Back to work – or pretending to. It’s funny how u don’t realize how much u have on ur mind till u sit down to blog about it.

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