OUT OF TIME

day 2 smoke free

i noticed that i laugh out loud even when i'm by myself now. this is a new phenomenon. i take it that it's a good sign, my spirits r up - way up. i have moody days but there's always a sense of ok-edness about me. it hasn't felt dark nor have i been lost in a long while.

i was told today that my dad has a tumour in his lungs. funny thing that it was my brother that told me. he said his "heart stopped." something's happening to him? he's never been a family man, i've never believed he cared. was he really ripped apart by the news? i was at work when he told me. i started crying - it's hard to not to cry when i think about it, even now with just a keyboard, cold monitor and intangible cyber space for company. i've been wondering for so long if i would when the time came. now i know and i'm comforted. the relationship with my dad may not have been wholly reconciled but we have something.

we're not sure if it's malignant yet. we'll find out in a coupla weeks. coupled with his pre-existing lung disease, he seems to be running out of time. he keeps barely escaping, barely living, barely takin up any space. the gloom is mounting in my family and no one knows if they want to cry or shut their eyes, cover their ears and chant "this isn't happening" until they actually believe it. my mom wants to go on a vaction with him. this was a surprise - she's never made a secret of her distain for him, her waiting for him to go.

i want to fix his watch for him. it's gold, antique and close to his heart. the one thing i've ever seen him proud of. i think it was a symbol of his triumph - of his strength to put down the bad and make something of himself without ever looking back.

i always thought that jerry would be with me when i found out. i never thought that i would be alone through this. i don't know who to run to, to lean on. maybe i don't need it any more tho. i've always thought that when it was time, my dad would know that i'd be taken care of. he'd done his job, fulfilled his obligation and seen me to a better keeper. will my dad believe me when i tell him i don't need a man to better me? i'm terribly successful on my own. i remember when i was buying my apartment - he looked at me with the saddest eyes. he said it's really hard to do this on my own, people need to couple up but look dad, no hands! i'm really doin it. and this isn't somethin i woulda trusted myself to do if i had stayed with jerry.

i wonder what my brother's gonna do for dad? is he gonna try to be big brother and try to comfort me? is he gonna break down? is he pretending to care? something in me believes the latter. cynical? yes - but it's the only way to live with my brother.

i've been feelin like my father and i were running outta time. it's been haunting me for years, since i moved back in when i was 20 or 21. i can't remember. the time is near gone and the reality of this is crushin me. jerry always said that no matter what happened, i would know that i did everything i could - there was really nothin else i could have done for my dad. but, have i done enough? is it enough for dad? maybe even more importantly - is it enough for me? cuz i'm the one that has to live with it.

i think about my dad everyday now and i call a few times a week. what else can i do? everyday, every time the phone rings...i am expecting the worse. i've tried to prepare myself for this. i know, though, that no matter how much i prep, or expect, i'm still gonna feel like i didn't see it coming. i'm never gonna realise how soon and i'll say "i never thought so soon" like my brother said today "never thought so serious." this kills me! how can u not realise u'r living with a dying man?

writing about this...it's made me realize how sad i am and how many more tears i have for my dad. i'm bracing myself, quelling the torrent that tickles the back of my eyes. i'm running outta time - i need to know what my dad wants. burial? what kinda coffin? who do i need to tell when it happens? i'm worried that i don't have enough money put aside for this. am i enough?
maybe i can take him to visit his family in calgary. i wonder if i can get any time off work. i worry that i don't have enough time to figure out what i wanna say to him. i hope it's enough for him to hear that i'm ok. cuz i really am and it's all i've got.

DON'T FORGET!

lunar eclipse tommorow night 8-10.

oh and does anyone wanna go see les mis?

BABBLES

chest pains. i feel gross and probably look as bad. i can't breathe. sharp jabs like there's a brick diggin into my chest every time i take a deep breath.

inhale.
exhale.

i'm gettin ready for bed. it hurts and it's real.i know the nightmares r waiting. it's gonna be another sleepless night.

i'm gonna get through this.
think soft.

inhale.

exhale.

i shouldn't miss him this much. i don't know which is worse to think about.

shhh...soft.

BABBLES

smoke count: 'i've been 1 a day for the last coupla days.

i've been down, my mood's been kinda gloomy and i'm hiding again. what's different? i'm still smilin though. weird.

phil's got me head spinning...what else is new? it's nice to be wanted. he wants to talk...sounds serious. crap.

SOFT

it's been so long since i've woken up with someone, wrapped in softness and warmth. it's nice. i woke up and felt that i was exactly where i was supposed to be - i'd finally found that which i've been aching for. but was it really what i wanted? and now? avoiding him seemed to only make it fonder.

the nightmares r getting more disturbing but last night, i woke up to a soft voice, stroking the fright away and cooing 'bout how i'm not alone anymore. there were kisses and i was safe. i turned over and went back to sleep and the nightmares were kept at bay for the rest of the night.

how does fucking turn into spending the night, lying in bed, being 2 hours late for work and finding shelter in each other from the down pour outside?

it's so soft...soft...soft...

BITCHIN

smoke count: 3 and i'll probably have one before bed. i don't know why but the last one seems impossible to kick. it's just the habit, somethin 'bout havin one right before bed. it's in my head, i can beat this. i can beat this. i can beat this.

tired, stressed. work is killin me and it's only gettin busier. i complain alot about work, don't i. well who doesn't? i think it's important to me though, to know how important i am. this is a pattern in all parts of my life. what does this mean?

i'm aching to dance - i've missed classes this week since andy's been here but there will be time; i've always made the time and he's only here for five days. andy's great fun and he fills me on all the hot gossip. we r quickly becoming quite good friends so the silver lining is not so hard to spot.
i wore a shirt that I got on my birthday. it sez "ur boyfriend's a great kisser" ha ha funny funny. i think it's cute. david sez "people are gonna think u'r kinda slutty - do u want people to think u'r a slut?" i told him he's an idiot if he judges me by what my shirt sez. dumbass!

phil called me a few times today, i didn't talk to him though. tommorow i will be 2 weeks phil-free. i'm tryin to decide what to say to him, what i want from him. maybe i should just ask him what he wants from me - clear this all up once and for all? i don't know, i'll call him soon when i have more time.

note to self: stop bitchin so much on blog. write something already!

BABBLES

smoke count: 4 and 1 more before bed

tired - everythin hurts, i think i bit off a bit more than i can chew with the active stuff or the guys i was dancing with twisted somethin (both r likely).

ASIAN-PHILES SUCK!

i've been dabbling at internet dating - well, the actual goin on a date has yet to happen. i'm not quite hopeful or expectant - i guess if anything comes of, it i'll just be happily surprised.

i'm on a coupla sites, i've posted my picture at last. i've always had a paranoid-thing 'bout havin my pictures online but i'm beginning to come around. i still don't like it, but i'm givin it a try.

there's been a slew of really old people soliciting me, old like 40's, 50's and into the 60's. i think there was one guy that was 70. nothing has been sparking any kind of interest, anyway.
so yesterday, i'm goin through my messages - i find this:

I keep getting this update stuff from the personals................ and none of them really interest me until I saw your ad. I do not have an ad running on this system as I was not really interested in doing this. My sister in laws friend convinced me to try this thing. My sister in law is from Shenzhen China....... I was wondering where you were originally from? Ok, a little of who I am. I am 37 years of age, and I know under your height maybe you are looking for someone under 6 feet tall. ........... sigh .... ..... sad...... I am 6'1 and keep myself in good shape. I could always crouch down to the level you want.. ..... I have short brown hair, and I have brown eyes. I am clean cut, good looking etc..... I have learned some Chinese language, so I can speak some Chinese. Imagine that......... a white guy speaking Chinese. Mandarin to be exact. I work in a career that I love. I have been a corrections officer for the past 8 years, and have really enjoyed every part of it. Well......... maybe except for the paper work. And the fact that it takes me an hour to drive to work. I live in Horshoebay, and I love the ocean. Anything to do with the ocean is where you will find me. Either on top water sking, or deep under scuba diving. Well, the person I am looking .........hmmmmmmmm not that picky really. If I could have the same kind of relationship as my parents have had. They have been happily married for over 50 years now. If I could have that......... I'd be very very happy. They love each other today just as much as the day they married. We are a pretty close family. I have two older brothers, and one older sister....... yes, I am the youngest......(not the baby) of the family. Have you ever been to Horshoebay? Well,........ I think I will keep it at that. I hope to hear from you. Take care. By. David. Ps. I do have a picture I can send to you.

i've gotten a few opinions - there is nothing in my profile that suggests i am from anywhere but here. my english comes across fluent enough and nothing screams culturally different. there's heavy emphasis in my profile 'bout likin fun, being a big kid and reading comics. this guy obviously missed all this.

when he sez that he's learned some chinese language so he can speak some chinese makes me think that he can say hi and thank you. the crouching down to my level thing makes me wretch and he HAD to underscore it with not 1 but 2 :- ) oh and i hate people who tell me they're good lookin. there's a picture, i have eyes. tellin me what to think changes changes nothing and now i think u'r full of yerself. and what's with the, dare i call 'em, ellipsis?!? i use 'em too but what he was doin was almost obscene! i'm usually pretty forgivin of this kind of stuff - i'm obviously not a stickler for perfection in the use of language but he was never really on my good side to begin with.

all i gotta say is: freud would have things to say 'bout u buddy! u'r not picky, u just want a relationship like yer parents?!? uh-huh.

i didn't delete the message, i'm not sure if i wanna respond to this at all. i mean what do u say? nothin in his email appealed to anything in my profile. i was screamin for big fun and he responds with come sit on my lap my pretty asian geisha. me white man, like asian. u asian. i like.

yes...*sigh* u r sad but not because u'r 6'1 and no worries, u'r already well below the level i want!

here's how janet responds, if i wanted to be mean:

Look buddy, I don't know why you think I'm an Asian immigrant, but if you do, you're wrong. I was born in Vancouver. Did you read the grammatically correct English in my profile and think to yourself, "This girl has to be from another country"? Or was it the black hair and yellow skin that made you think that?

You asked me to "imagine" a white guy who can speak Chinese - that's great, and I'm happy for you. But something that seems to be outside the realm of YOUR imagination is this: I'm a female of Asian descent who can speak perfect English and I'm looking for someone who is interested in finding more about me, not about my background. So, if you need to find someone whose level you need to crouch down to, you'd better keep moving along, because I'm not the girl you're looking for.

if i wanted to be civil:

I wasn't going to respond to this at first, because, to be honest, your email put me off. It sounds like you assumed that I immigrated here from somewhere in Asia. This assumption is incorrect. You asked me where I'm originally from - here goes: Vancouver. Does that surprise you? I was born here. I don't know why you thought I wasn't, but my conjecture is that you saw black hair and yellow skin, thought of your sister-in-law, and figured that if I looked Asian, I must not be a Canadian native. You were wrong.

As a corrections officer, have you ever assumed that people with different skin colours might actually be from Canada? Have you assumed that people are not Canadian before just because they're not white?

You then went on to share information about the Chinese you speak although you have no idea whether or not I am Chinese. If my background was Chinese, how would you know that I speak it? Do all fifth-generation Canadians of German descent speak German?

In short, I found your message rife with assumptions about me, simply because of my Asian colouring. I wish you the best of luck in finding a partner, but please do not email me again. I don't think continuing this exchange would be fun for either of us.

BABBLES

Day 1: quitting smoking again

target quit date - 2 weeks from today

8 smokes today, 1 more before bed

i've been moody lately. i've been feelin like life is ok but my head is spinnin from exessive processing. i haven't been able to sleep. i'm not quite depressed but slippin into somethin a little darker, a little more alone space needed - this has never been a good sign - but things change, we'll see...
my dad got hit by a car a coupla days ago. he's ok but i can't seem to quell this naggin feelin of impending doom. too much...poor dad. this has caused abnormal chains of communication between my brother and myself. i almost feel like i have a brother again. it's strange and it puts me on gaurd. there r things too close to heart and too painful to recount in such an impersonal and public forum that i can never forgive him for. but times like these, when i feel myself slippin, when i almost trust him again, scare the shit outta me.

*quivers*

i went to see my dad the next day - he was happy to see me and he showed me his stitches - he kinda grinned and said much like a kie "i broke my head" (it was really cute in chinese). my mom told me that he was really grumpy till i went to see him. pressure. i feel like i don't go see him enough. i feel like a shit.

mental note: be better

yet another receptionist has started at my work. she's 22. i suddenly feel very old and freakishly reminded of how timid i was at 22 and starting my first office job. boy, have things ever changed...i'm a better person.

it's one of those nights, i need to curl up with me kitties and listen to songs that make me wanna cry for no reason in particular.

GOBBLE GOBBLE

as i'm wrappin up the thanksgiving weekend with some much needed tidying of party-pad central i realize that i have yet to properly give thanx.

i'm a sucker for tradition and have wanted to interject some into my life for some time now. now is good.

we had turkey at rhonda's on thurs before she left. drunk on meat and gravy at the end of the meal, cyndy expressed regret at having forgotten to toast rhonda. i had one. it'd been stewing in me all night cuz somethin inside makes thx feel proper following good grub.

i raised my glass to old friends and to new friends. rhonda liked it.
if ever were a time i felt thankful it is this year.

i was carryin around so much bitterness toward my ex for too long. i've finally been able to put down some this baggage. i'm pretty sure it started long before we broke up. it's not all his fault that it came to this - i lacked the courage to admit my own defeat.

i'm thankful that i found the strength to move on - to really move on. i spent long hours agonizing over how it should have been, how maybe something could have been preserved. i gave it a go - we gave it a go. i told myself fantastic lies to work him into my life all to no avail, it really only made things worse for me and probably for him too. we were like bad drugs for each other. it was a gross addiction that made irrational junkies out of us. i'm thankful that it is over and my life could be pieced back together without him.

nine years is alot of time to try to reconcile. i'm thankful that i no longer feel the need to analyze what i gleened from it all, what i learned and how it made me a better person. perhaps there is something valuable that i will find in a future self-treasure hunt but for now, i am content with knowing that i am a better person now than ever before and finally, it has nothing to do with him.

i don't hate nor love him. he's in my thoughts quite often but that's to be expected, we grew up together. i've finally realized that i'm not the whack job he thinks i am, to know that we were like a bad chemical reaction.

i'm thankful for my friends, the brain pickers, the scandalous, the quirky - the everything about them that makes me smile and sing to myself when i am alone. i have never felt so alive and so ready to face the world. the world is not such a scary place when my friends are painting it red.
i'm thankful for phil. i'm not quite sure why yet but i am. it's not just the sex, it's the very small gestures, the quirks that make me tingle. it's kinda nice that he doesn't know - it's quite silly and it's fun when it's my little secret. it's amazing that i started the summer lookin for scandalous, red shoe diary worthy experiences and yet i found myself in...well i don't know what it is, but it's made me feel like a million bucks. i don't want to be in love and i'm shaky 'bout what i want but he's filled the billed whatever it was. i guess i'm thankful for the way he makes me feel.
i'm thankful for this year and all those who took up my time, entertained me with racy stories and filled my head with wonder. i am thankful for this time to get to know myself at last.
billy, if u'r reading this, i'm sorry 'bout what happened - perhaps i was a bit harsh, but i stand by my decsion. i dont' want to be ur jerry. u r the proverbial knight but i'm not a damsel in distress. u r in my heart and maybe one day when prespective can be found we can grab a cuppa somthin. i am thankful to have known u and everything u have been to be me. thank u for being u.

i am thankful that i have finally found the strength to close the door to all that was shit.
other things worth mentioning:

my cats' good health

my dad missing me

my gorgeous car and cute as hell apt.

all the dancing my tappy toes can handle

frilly underwear, scandalous cleavage and hot asses ;0p

stuffed animals and the fact that pig tails can still be sexy at this age

cat buses and tree spirits

hot plates

cute boys and the thrill of the game

music that makes me shake my ass

music that makes me want to learn how to play the guitar

music that makes me want to write the most beautiful poem ever written

laughter, wide, jaw-stretching, knee-slappin, cheek-crampin laughter for no reason at all

oddly enough, my computer and all the neat things i'm learning to do with it

i'm sure there's more but i'm certain there is nothing i am more thankful for than simply just
havin so much list here.

ANG-GRRR

what makes me tick? well, that's easy - people do. what do i do to change this? what do u do when faced with blatant dumb-assedness? it almost seems, when put in words here, that my gut instinct would be to stand up against it, but i know this isn't always so. i've come to realize that some battles are better left unfought.

situation: co-worker asks u (and this is unsolicited) who u r voting for. u say i dunno cuz u know better than to get into it. she responds that she is voting for the party that is against gay marriages and sez that this is the moral thing to do. how do u respond?

this is an example i resort to quite often. 1) it elicits a throbbing kind of rage in me & 2) perhaps i am not completely satisfied with my own reaction to it.

over lunch, where i as uaual i probably talked too much, janet left the impression that she would have done more. what did i do? well i bit myself and asked her if she was aware of any of that party's other platforms and suggested that there were other issues that concerned me beyond gay marriage. now in hind sight i feel that more could have been done to address this but, at the time, it felt like a complete waste of my time.

the world frustrates janet, as it should. people suck. i think tho, that we deal with frustration quite differently and we can't quite see eye to eye on it. this i can accept. i admire her rage but it upsets me as well. as a friend, i see her frustrated and i know that there is nothing i can do to fix it for her. i don't want to let it get to me the way it does janet but neither do i want to become complacent. there r times, like the one with my coworker, where i feel that it is better to agree to disagree. how do u make right a moment like that?

i admire u janet, cuz i know u always try. i know u try to be consistent and perhaps my biggest failing is my acceptance at my own inconsistancy. my thinking tends to be more self-centered than ur own. i try to make the world around me, my own little sphere of existence, work with me, make it as comfortable for me as possible but no i can't pick up the fight every time it's brought to me. do i perpetuate the problem? i'm not sure. is it enough that i try not to?
what's that adage about change? knowing what we can and cannot? i've come to realize that frustration is a product of encountering things beyond my control. there r things i can control and those i can't and i think i've categorized people as one of the later. there is a fine line here tho. being practical vs. turning a blind eye.

it's not ok with me that my co-worker thinks the way she does - it down right just pisses me off. i should react, i make it a point to disagree but what is beyond this?

as usual - i fail to come to a point. just some thoughts that i needed to spew after having me brain picked for a while. maybe one day i'll figure out what my point is but for now, it's got to be left where it is. i have to be ok myself or there never will be a point. is it enough that i question and never blindly accept? how can i be sure that i am still asking the right questions?

MY DAD'S BEEN WRONG THIS WHOLE TIME

my dad told me that he chose my english because the meaning was very similiar to my chinese name, which roughly translates into ocean + solace. (or something calm and tranquil). he thought that hennie meant an ocean of sweetness.

today, through the wonders of internet i find the following:

HENNIE fUsage: EnglishPronounced: HEN-eePet form of HENRIETTA

HENRIETTA fUsage: EnglishPronounced: hen-ree-ET-aFeminine pet form of HENRY

HENRY mUsage: EnglishPronounced: HEN-reeFrom the Germanic name Heimerich which meant "home ruler", composed of the elements heim "home" and ric "power, ruler". This name was introduced into Britain by the Normans. It was borne by eight kings of England including the infamous Henry VIII, as well as six kings of France and seven kings of Germany. Other famous bearers include arctic naval explorer Henry Hudson, novelist Henry James, and automobile manufacturer Henry Ford.

from:
http://www.behindthename.com/nmc/eng_6.html
and
http://www.20000-names.com/female_h_names.htm

also neat to see is
JENI fUsage: EnglishPronounced: JEN-eeShort form of JENNIFER
JENNIFER fUsage: EnglishPronounced: JEN-i-furCornish form of Gwenhwyfar (see GUINEVERE).

even though i don't use it as a short form jennifer. also neat to learn that jenny was actually a pet form for jane. who woulda thunk it?!

and here my dad spent all this time thinkin that he misnamed me.
here's a neat little ditty. working backwards to create a chinese name from my english:
http://www.mandarintools.com/chinesename.html
Surname (first character)
Shen
Given Name (middle character)
Heng
constant, regular, persistent
Given Name (last character):
nu
exert, strive, make effort
and
Surname (first character)
Shi
Given Name (middle character)
Huan
shining, brilliant, lustrous
Given Name (last character):
nuo
promise; assent, approve
and for jennasi
Surname (first character)
Kong
Given Name (middle character)
Jie
clean, purify, pure
Given Name (last character):
nai
endure, bear; resist; patient
and
Surname (first character)
Song
Given Name (middle character)
Ju
raise, lift up; recommend
Given Name (last character):
nu
exert, strive, make effort

FRILLY UNDERWEAR

went to the Slumber Party @ Plush. met a cute guy while i was all decked out in nothin but my frilly panties and a matchin tank. (gee...what should i wear the next time i see him?)

fun pic's comin - a little x-rated but fun, fun, fun.

also ran into a coupla of my ex's friends...now they can all go tell him they saw me in my underwear...