STRANGE TO BE HERE

Got into calgary this afternoon. I feel like I'm in a sleepy little town. I can't believe how quickly I get home sick and boy, do I ever hate flying!

My parents came over sunday and they all thought my brother and myself weren't gonna be here till tomorrow. We thought it'd be a nice surprise but it took us all day to tracK 'em down.

About 6 hrs after landing we found them @ my dad's sister's place. She answered the door and looked @ me like I was a crazy person - she told me she thought I was selling something and almost said "we don't want any" I don't know why I assumed she would recognize me. The first comment about me was "my, how fat u've gotten." And ppl wonder why I have such a fucked up self image. Why can't I get away from that? I've just lost 5 lbs and was feelin pretty darn good - now, I'm starting to feel guilty about eating! This is bad - I've never felt guilty eating. Not exercising enough - yes. Not being healthy - yes. Eating - never ever.

After dinner my aunt showed me some old pictures she had. The oldest picture we have of my dad was taken 32 yrs ago when my parents first got married. Tonight I saw, for the first time, my dad @ 18. The picture's like 70 yrs old! I didn't recognize him at all. In the picture he was young and stalky. My brother and I had no idea my dad was so big when he was younger. The picture was taken the first day he arrived in Fiji. He fled there when Japan invaded China and stayed there until he married my mom about 30 yrs later.

It struck me as odd that we've never known our dad to be young - he's always been ancient. If my aunt hadn't pointed him out, I woulda skipped right over the picture. Turns out, my brother is a spittin image of dad. We had no idea - it's always been this great mystery that my brother and I look so much alike yet we didn't look like either of our parents. Strangers used to stop me on the street to ask if I knew my brother. The resemblance is that hard to miss.

The real gem I found in the photos tho was a a huge family photo of my dad's exteneded family. My dad's family is so old, I've never really had the chance to meet them. the picture was really old. I think that it was taken with one of those old boxes with a black curtain drapped over it and u hafta duck under the curtain to take the picture. The picture was off center - quite a bit of space on the right side and some ppl on the left were cut right out. I don't think the person who took the picture could actually see what he was photographing.

It was somebody's wedding. My dad wasn't in the pict but he says he remembers that he was about 8 or 9. I was breathless - this picture was like 80 yrs old! There were about 50 ppl in the pict and tucked way in the back was my grandfather. This was big! Up until today I had no clue what he looked like. This is the only picture I've ever seen of him. I cried. He was so handsome and statelly. I've always described my dad as stately but really he's not when compared to his father. I can't stop lookin at these pictures - I can't even articulate how much just seeing them means to me. I'm feelin terribly sentimental and I feel so blessed to have such a rich history and to finally know.

I also got a new toy before I came out. My cell phone broke in half and I needed another one lickity split and so I finally took the plunge and went blackberry. I love this thing! I can't believe how much I've written! Mind u, I'm pretty bored. Everything here is closed, no tv, no internet, no cats - this is the only thing I have right now that resembles anything familiar.

I guess it's time to tuck in but I'm not tired yet, I'm still an hour behind. Thank god I brought a good book. I don't remember the last time I had a chance to read. This will be nice.

Tomorrow: less-a-tax shoppin and a B-B-Q in our honour with just the young folk. I don't believe we've ever done that before. This'll be the first time we've all gotten together as adults.

These are the nights I will always be thankful for.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

i'm just collating my excrement.
-adrian

BIG BITE IN THE ASS

i'm applying for admission into the union so that i can work in the accounting department in the film industry. i meet a large chunk of the requirements just from havin worked in my company for so long but i'm still missing a couple of things:

• certification from a film industry orientation program
• high school diploma or equivalent

isn't that a kick in the nuts? turns out that they won't accept my post secondary transcripts - they only want my high school equivalent - which i don't have. if anyone starts in with the "i told u so" i'm gonna do some serious ass whoopin!

*grumble grumble grumble*

GED - here i come!

LOVIN' IT

had my first day workin on production - i'm totally charged. i'm pretty tired but i'm so revved up from the excitement. i was a little nervous goin in - my first time, i was worried that i wouldn't know what the hell i was doin but it's really not all that different than what i already do. my contract kicks ass, i just wish it was for longer. it's a good first gig tho, and at least i know there will be more opportunities. i'm so happy. life is good.

BABBLES

i have nothing to say but feel the need to speak.

i've been sick all week, no dancing, no dates, no nothing - life has been suspended till further notice so i'm feelin sorta out of sorts. it's got me feelin rather lonesome and bored.

i got another job offer on another production - i think i've managed to find a way to try my hand at production accounting without leaving my company. it's evening & weekends, incognito. i'll be workin alot but it's an opportunity i'm not will not pass up. life can wait a little longer. i need to know if this is something i can/want to do and this seems the best way to try it with minimal risk.

i'm goin to calgary with my family next weekend. it's just for the weekend so it's gonna be kinda rushed but it means the world to my dad.

i'm so tired but i'm restless. i gotta be up early but i don't want to go to bed feelin like i've accomplished nothing today - this week.

blarg.

I'M AN ADDICT!

hollywood stock exchange

don't forget to buy stock in the new Serenity movie - show yer support cuz Joss Whedon rules! i just saw the trailer last night and i'm so stoked. i actually yelped and jumped outta my seat. i had no idea it was comin out so soon. if anyone wants to borrow the original series on dvd - just let me know. i'm happy to spread the word.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Michelle: r u just eating lunch now?

Me: uh huh

Michelle: why so late?

Me: I just haven’t had much of an appetite.

Michelle: oh, r u on a diet?

Me: no. i’m sick.

Michelle: like hayfever?

Me: no. I think it’s a head cold.

Michelle: oh, I thought u were on diet because u were getting so fat.

Why do friggin bother? ya know, not every girl resorts a tuna fish and kracker diet whenever she wants to cram into a dress! some of us sane ones exercise. some of us actually just eat healthier as opposed to eating less.

TRACKS ON REPEAT

Rebekah Del Rio's a cappella cover of Roy Orbison's "Crying" always makes me wanna sob.

Llorando
enjoy!
*this is the spanish version*

OK

sometimes life is so amazing if u just allow it to be.

today's been one heck of a ride! i just spent the last 5 hours on the phone with various friends in asia - so much is happening, everythin fallin into place and we finally seem to be the people we were meant to be.

i'm still a little lost but that's to be expected. i really went about things backwards. it's difficult to be just learning about dating as everyone else is settling down and starting their lives with the ones they love. on the up side tho - i can learn from all ur mistakes and hopefully save myself a little heartache.

i'm in one of those really romantic moods - like havin a little heartache is a good thing. i can't get Salsa Guy outta my head. i've been daydreaming about him since class. it's all a little fluffy and warm. i don't think i've ever crushed so hard on someone before. it's a whirlwind of random smiles and happy thoughts for no reason at all. i think it's the way he looks at me - but then again, he could just have sleepy eyes and always looks like that. i feel like i've spinning around with him all night and i can't quite shake his scent.

it feels strange to be settin this out in cyberspace. here's that bloggin etiquette issue again. who's here, who knows, who won't wanna hear what, who'd be hurt - who fuckin cares! i'm over it. i deserve to go thru this stuff too. the dips, the highs, infatuation, a touch of aching in my heart, and most of all, hope. u'd be hard pressed to find a person that didn't think i was long overdue.

it's all around me. i never have to look far or leap thru flamin hoops for it. it's amazing loved i feel right now - all day. u guys r all the best and if i were any more awake i could tell u how lucky i feel. but, i'm not awake and probably not all that coherent so let's just say i did.

i'm gonna find love or rather, it's gonna find me.

i've been feelin a lot like a child lately. the world has become so huge, the people so beautiful and the day to day not so difficult. if u just ride out the lumps most of it's just gravy.

i'm being tacky and cheesy now, rn't i? fuck it! it's almost 6 in the morning and i'm sprawled out on an emotional plateau feelin like i'v finally conquered my Everest.

grr...since i can't seem to stop speakin in cliches and adages - i'm just gonna say life is good. i'd do good to remember that more often so i'm gonna.

I FIGURED IT OUT

why i was so upset earlier. my panties were in a twist - literally! i had them on the wrong way. just brilliant! sry, i had to share.

it's amusing that sometimes i'm so dim i can't even get dressed properly.

lovley, eh?

can u tell i'm really bored today?

K - I FEEL BETTER ALREADY

This guy that I’ve been chattin with for the last 2 weeks (call him mr. Downtown) msg’d me and said that he saw me yesterday. he wanted to know if I was wearing black pants and a white top and if I was on cambie around 5. yes, yes and yes and OMFG! He saw me outside of my work. Creepy! I’m not sure how I feel about this but I skirted the issue about whether or not I work here.

I have a date next Tuesday. it’ll be my second. Weeeee…i'm gonna try not to get my hopes up tho cuz i am the girl that almost dates. i make plans to and never do. i broke the streak only last week!

while i'm fillin y'all in i might as well mention i've got a mad crush on a guy from salsa (not the one from speed dating). i'll be seein him toinight in class.

i'm such a crush whore!

AND THE RESULTS ARE IN...

I’m feelin a little deflated and gotta admit my ego needs a bit of nursing. In hind-sight tho I think I understand what happened. Nerves. I was a bit of a bumbling idiot. I’m disappointed but the experience really hasn’t changed. It was still kick ass and I’d still do it again.

#25 matched with one of the friends I went with. I’m still waiting to hear back from the other friend.

I got exactly 1 match – with # 11. He wasn’t one of the guys I was really anxious about – if anything I’m surprised, he was the last person I woulda guessed. I don’t think I really stopped to consider if I would date this guy just cuz i figured the point would be moot anyway. i actually almost passed him by just cuz...I met him near the end and I was really tired. He stood out cuz he was the only guy that mentioned books – he asked me what my favorite book was.

I’m surprised we matched cuz my response was, “whaddya mean?” Is that not the dumbest thing u’ve ever heard of?! I was slow to react to my awesome idiocy and clumsy with the save. I think I tried to amend it with something along the lines of, “I mean, gimme a genre. There’s really too many for me to narrow it down to one.” – of course, it came out in spurts of something resembling the English language. I don’t know what kinda impression he got cuz he didn’t name a genre – he just kinda stared. Finally tho – he did end up asking what genres I read. And just when I was thinking that I couldn’t look any stoopidur, I prove how exceptionally ditsy I am.

I think the cognitive process went something like this:

Fav. Book? O !book...umm...Don’t understand.

“whadda ya mean?” he means what is yer fav. book – u dumb turd! me thirsty! Quick name a book! NOISE. god, i'd kill for a peice cheescake - i wish Not Just Desserts hadn't shut down. Head still naming too many titles at once.

“…genre…many…erhm…ahhh…” quick yer losin him. dumb dumb dumb dumb. there was a point where I think I was actually singing the doom song in my head! Ivader Zim kicks ass! O! Losin him. focus! Books, I like books, I can do this. i wish my ass weren't numb. Just name one of those books that u reread every coupla years. crap! i'm slouchin r'nt i?

Him:“ what genres do u read?”
Me: “the Hitch Hiker’s Guide is always good.”

Doh! Genre, not book! Dummy. *doom doom doom doom*

He asked me if I saw the movie and then the bell went off.

THIS JUST IN: #25 also matched with other friend.

*Sigh* – well folks, the result are all in. I suck.

Nah! Seriously now, I’m pretty disappointed but mostly in myself. I’m gonna go do this at least one more time. For now, i'm just gonna comfort with myself by remembering i'm just stupid, not ugly. I’ll try to be more myself and maybe even go in with a coupla questions and get a more comfortable chair to sit in. What’s interesting to note here is that both of my friends were sitting on big comfy sofas, I guess it really lent itself to a comfy feel-good sensation. Meh – probably not. They’re both kick-ass girls and any guy would be lucky to have ‘em.

I’ll let u know how it goes next time. If I turn out to be a dud again, I’m joining the nunnery – but hopefully I’ve learned my lesson and I’ll lighten up a bit. like jaded was just bloggin about - sometimes if we're shy we can really come off as assholes! I’m sure I’ve got more to say about this – just give me a chance to let this wash over me and I’ll finish up running around the room, hitting my head going, “yoink!”

HERE'S TO TRYIN NEW THINGS!

OK, so here it is. I’m not paying 5 different long distance charges to recount this story 5 or 6 times. I talked so much last night my mouth is still dry.

I attended my first speed dating event last night. It was pleasantly surprising. I guess I went in under the faulty assumption that only certain types would be attracted to this sort of event but all 25 dates were really different. – I know, sounds crazy! I went on 25 dates last night.

It was an intense ordeal. I wasn’t expecting to be as nervous as I was. I kept dropping stuff and getting all tongue tied. I think I spilled water on a couple of ‘em too. I’m usually not such a clutz and I left feelin like I hadn’t really been myself all night. What was annoying tho – was that each time I just started getting comfy and getting back into my element the bell would go off and we all had to rotate (men rotated, women remained seated). Then the tongue grew thick again and the hands got all re-buttered.

The age range was 25-35 so I came in fairly close to the beginning of the bracket. Some of the men seemed to be a lot older than me but most fit nicely within the bracket. The women all seemed to be a bit younger – everybody I met was under 30. There were 25 men and 25 women, the room was abuzz with good energy.

-Dan, I know u’r dying to squeal so go ahead and do it already- I’ll just interrogate myself on ur behalf.

The first guy turned out to be someone I knew. We were in the same salsa class and we had chatted just last Friday and Monday. I felt kinda bad that I didn’t recognize him but in my defense, salsa class is almost as bad as speed dating with switching partners so often.

The second guy sorta stole the show (I’ll just call him #25 for now). He was hot (the kinda hot that makes ya wanna grab him and suck on his lip for a while) and he was funny and charming to boot. I marked a big YES next to him on my scorecard. It turns out that all the women I talked to afterwards had done the same thing. This guy was definitely in a league all his own. I know for certain that 9 women there had marked him down for a yes. That’s a pretty impressive number and kinda daunting for me. What r the chances?

I wish I remember what I had said to him but honestly by the end of the night, all the conversations were bleeding together. I was tired, dazed and overwhelmed. What amazes me and really just makes me crush on him harder is that everyone I talked to had a completely different conversation with him. #25 was not one to reuse material. He talked to one girl about shoppin another about cookin and with me – well we talked gender stereotyping in dating. We came to the conclusion that men would love to have flowers sent to them at work too.

The rest of the first half was a blur. I remember I marked some guys down as maybes but nothing else about them. So at the end of the night I ended up fillin those boxes in with a yes even tho I had no idea who they were but hey – the point of the exercise was to meet ppl and I’ll be dammed if I don’t. It became a little painful – on both my ass and my psyche. There were a handful of guys that were really hard to talk to and they somehow seemed to cluster. We broke for some food after about 13 dates. The last 5 that I sat thru before the break almost made me wanna poke my eyes out just to amuse myself. Again, following with pattern, every woman I talked afterwards remembers quite vividly these particular guys.

I tend to have wandering eyes even when (some would say especially when) I’m talking one on one with somebody. It’s not that I’m bored or anything like that – my eyes just really like to wander (I’ll hafta remember not to do this at clubs tho with strangers and strange drugs floating around). During the first half of the dates I kept lookin over to the other side of the room and noticing that the cute ones were also clustering and I was in for an interesting second half.

Here’s the thing that surprised me most. Goin in I thought that 3 minutes would be only enough time to assess purely on physical attributes. I was sure that everyone would have made up their minds within the first 10 seconds but no – there were a couple guys that I actually changed my mind about. There was one guy in particular (I’ll call him the teacher) that I wasn’t instantly attracted to but as he talked I was became ever more distracted with thoughts like, “hey – that’s kinda cute” or “why didn’t I notice that before” and there was a bit mental swooning goin on. So I’m happy to learn that 3 minutes is enough time for some chemistry to develop.

As we were nearing the last couple of dates, my ass went completely numb (sitting on a bar stool for 2 and half hrs is not recommended – if u need to sit for that long get a chair with a back and some cushioning!) I was exhausted and just lost some of my steam. I found that I was often forgetting if I had already asked certain questions, was that this date or the last? It was an ordeal for sure.

All in all I’m really glad I did this. I had some reservations goin in but it really was just a lot of fun. Outta the 25 guys I think I marked about 5 or 6 yes and 2 or 3 maybe (which turned into yes by default) but outta all my yeses I think there’s 2 that I’d likely date. The rest were people I had fun talking to and I don’t know anyone that ever regrets makin more friends. And who knows, if chemistry can be developed in 3 minutes, what happens with time for a real date? Hmm…I guess this can go either way.

Some of the girls clustered afterwards to debrief and some of the men tried to cluster in with us. I know of 2 girls that had marked “no” to everyone except for #25, the guys averaged out at about 3 or 4 yeses and the girls anywhere from none up to 3. I had marked the most yeses by far. Strange – what does that say? The girls discovered one guy that was makin his way around by makin stuff up. We all got different stories or contradicting angles of the story. I give him props for it tho – I was telling the truth and I was exhausted by the end of the night – I can’t imagine makin that much stuff up on the fly.

My only regret was being so nervous and fumbling so much. There was a marked difference between me in the speed dating and the me that was lounging around afterwards just chattin with random strangers. I’m generally a bit of wise-ass and I’m constantly crackin’ jokes or giggling ‘bout one thing or another but there was a definite lack of this during the event. I feel that I didn’t quite put my best foot forward but I was really too nervous to deal. And this, I’ve learned, is a gonna be a common trend when it comes to dating and first dates.

Wow! Listen to me! It’s like accumulating a life time of dating experience in one night. I’ve not dated much, in the last 10 years I’ve gone on a whompin grand total of 1 date – like real dates meaning someone I barely know with the intent to go on a date. Does that make sense? I guess it’s not really fair to discount the guys that I’ve sorta dated after first developing a friendship with. Don’t get me wrong, these are great fun too but there’s something about the real dates that I feel a need to pursue. I’m one of those people that settled down way too early and for way too long. I wanna really get a feel for the single life before settling down again and dating is supposed to be a big part of that – isn’t it? I’m actually pretty fuzzy on what I want right now – I was a completely different person (just a kid, really) the last time I was single so I’m as good as a first-timer. I have no idea what I’m doin, I’ve never been a single adult before and I’m in utter awe of the whole situation. It’s fascinating and exciting. Scary at times – but for now still an experience I’m dying to explore.

they'll be sending me an email with my mutual matches (u don't get to know if it wasn't mutual) within 2 days. eek! what if i don't get any matches?!?! the anticipation is killin me! i honestly left with no clue whatsoever if anyone was actually interested or not.

-OK Dan, that must be meaty enough, even for u! did i miss anything? feel free to squeal sum'ore.

I <3 MY LIFE

I had a fantastic weekend!

Friday I went to salsa. It’s been a long time and I don’t remember the class being quite so advance but I had a lot of fun spin spin spinning around. It felt really nice to be dancing again until I got dizzy and nauseous. It took me a good hour to recover but it was fun non-the-less.

Saturday I woke up to an epiphany. This strange prom dream I had about jerry was the first I’d had in the last 2 years where he wasn’t yelling at or desperately frustrated with me and saying things that made me feel like a turd. Mostly, he found his way into my dreams when I was trying to quit smoking and going thru my withdrawal nightmares phase. I could always hear him so vividly that I would wake up to the yelling in shakes and sure that he was in the apartment. Are these days really truly gone? This is that closure thing everybody’s been yammering about, isn’t it? Well, I’m likin it! This kept me in such a good mood all day that I was gushing at everyone I saw about how much I loved them and how happy I was to be spending the day with them and how excited I was to have made the plans that we had, blah blah blah.

Also, I’ve been working on startin a company with my brother. We haven’t gotten on so well in the past but this past couple of years has really been about the healing in my immediate family. We seem to patched things up quite nicely and now we are the trying our hand at pc repairs (I’m pretty behind the scences).

***SHAMELESS PLUG*** if anyone needs a new computer, an upgrade, gadgets lemme know, i can get some pretty good prices!

Anyway, I’ve had a hell of a time settin up our corporate account at the bank and the result was that my brother had to borrow $ from my dad. When he told me about it I told him I would use the $ in the account that I set aside for the company to pay dad back but he refused! He actually told me that he had pay dad back cuz he’s never done that before – and he was determined to keep his word. I’m amazed, stunned, proud and really believe now that people can change.

It’s all ooey-gooey goodness and fuzzy warm feelings right now.

DELICACY IN THE TOILET

http://www.wastedblog.com/viewcontent.php?IdContent=252

HMM

I had a dream last night that Jerry asked me to go to prom with him cuz his girlfriend couldn’t make it. I really wanted to go cuz I’d never had one of my own to go to but all of my friends were trying to dissuade me. I kept reassuring everyone that I was only goin cuz I wanted to go to prom not cuz of him. No one believed me but I had resolved to go. I woke up before prom but I had a gorgeous dress all picked out.

Strange.

RESTLESS

i wanna dance.

anyone interested in classes?

IT'S ONE OF THOSE DAYS

i could really use a hug.

*grumble grumble grumble*