?

can anyone tell me how to create a list of links to the blogs i read? pls & thx muchly!

BABBLES

anyone else feel like this at work? i couldn't have said it better meself! who the fuck gets home from work at this hour?

i'm feelin a little insane. a 12 step program once taught me that insanity is doin the same things over and over again but expecting different outcomes each time. yup. a little crazy-me.

i can't sleep. i don't know why i can't sleep all week then i go and sleep away my whole weekend. not likin it. i woke up round 4 this morning, couldn't get back to sleep so i baked. i made fresh banana nut muffins for the whole office. warm and yummy, first thing in the morning, i'm suddenly everybody's best friend. adrian's plottin to overstock me with caffeine so tasty treats keep showin up in the office right outta the oven.

there's a new receptionist at work (don't worry jaded - this wasn't the position i had u pegged for anyway. i swear it's like pullin fuckin teeth tryin to get some normal people into the office!) i wonder how long until i'll wanna rip out her innards and smack her upside the head with 'em. k - to be fair, this one might be ok. let's see how i feel 'bout her at the end of the week.

i think phil called. good thing i forgot my phone at home today, or else i mighta run off for a noon time romp (think of me what u will, billy, but i gotta get laid too!) or worse, some after strenuous work snuggles. ehgad! really tho - this is good for me. i'm on a strict no comlplications, no negative relationships diet and don't i look fuckin fabulous having dropped all that baggage!

ya think i'll be able to sleep? or am i gonna hafta spend the night dustin between all the books on my shelf? or perhaps i'll show up at work tomorrow with a casserole. no, wait. scratch that. my brother's bringin me dinner tomorrow night. butter chicken pizza. yum?

EXHALE...

i feel like i've been given a gift.

it turns out my dad's tumor is dormant. it'll be 3 months before he has to go in for another scan.

i've been given time to find the all the words i need him to hear and to harness the strength i need to speak them. i had dinner with him tonight and he seemed in good spirits and carefree. he's smiling and steppin lighter now that the doom & gloom has been lifted.

part of me still wants to cry, still wants to hurt just to make sure that i don't forget what was at stake. to ensure that i make good use of the gift and not to squander it on i'll-get-to-tomorrow sentiments.

i'm still ur little girl - ur lucky star. maybe that's all i'll ever need to be. i could never be ur son, ur hope. maybe it's time i stop, we both stop, pretending that i can make it all up to u. i don't think u could ever understand the woman i've become and somehow, i think all u want is ur bright-eyed girl with the bouncy pigtails that used to pretend to fall asleep just so u'd carry me back to bed.

i was holding my breath, hopin for more time. now i have it and the fear is settin in all over again. the doubt weighs heavily on my heart, i'm afraid and small. am i gonna be enough?

I WILL MAKE IT THRU THE WEEK...

monday morning, barely recovered and almost 2 hours late for work.

i fell asleep last night around 7. i turned my phone off and lived in the indent on my couch all weekend and yet somehow i was still tired yesterday. i woke up sometime around midnight feelin like i was waiting for something, like there was a purpose to my being awake. around 5 when i started drifting off again i was feelin a wee bit ripped off.

oh mondays, *sigh* what great big dangerous numbers will i have to divide by 2 for the feeble minded? what mystical banana's will cross my path and threaten my sanity this week?

my dad is at the specialist right now. i wonder if the fucko doctor is gonna tell us anything this time. i suppose this might have somethin to do with my restlessness.

i guess i should clean up some of this paperwork litterin my desk but no one else is workin so i cannot find it in myself quite yet either.

i think hanako is comin in today with baby amelia. david bought presents and i thought: how sweet and outta character. but then i found out it was company charged. still...oddly thoughtful of david. i still can't wrap my head around this. hanako - a mom. i could comprehend that she was preganant but nothing beyond that. my brain can't make the connection from the last 9 months to the life she cradles in her arms. janet and i made a visit the weekend before last. i'm in awe and i dared not blog about it till the notion settled in my head a bit.

friends gettin married, havin kids. i have never been so far removed. a few years ago, it seemed a matter of course. now, there is no certainty. i think we both see the insanity it woulda been tho - a lifetime of rubbin each other the wrong way. part of me is afraid the other liberated. i'm terrified of the inability to complete the "i'll always have..." statement, but i'm excited about all the ways it might turn out.

i'm feelin oddly sentimental today, or perhaps i'm just a little woozy from lack of sleep. no. i'm probably just bracing for another wacky week in the adventures of payroll.

EH?

...AND WE ALL FALL DOWN.

overtime on a friday?!? it's unheard of & inhumane.

yet another new receptionist at work has been let go. she was really surprised and talked at me for an hour this afternoon, when i was still tryin to get shit done. the girl was dumb as nails there wasn't a hope in hell for her. what the hell did she expect, anyway? every week she would forget how everythin was done, we had to tell her things a hundred times, and - this is the best part - she didn't know the fuckin alphabet. she thought R came before O, U & V were after W and the M's & N's, well that was just a whole hodge podge of nonsense!

sometimes i think i'm in hell when i'm at work. michelle, well she's a lost cause. we had a huge spat cuz last week i missed ONE item on ONE cheque for her show. she said i was careless and i only care about my own shows. this is the stinkiest load of shit! i spent all of last thursday and friday doin her stuff. i wanted to tell her to go fuck herself but instead the conversation went like so:

michelle: didn't u check the edit before sending it to the client?

me: yeah.

michelle: then how could u miss that?

me: do u even remember last week? do u remember why i was doin ur cast? u couldn't finish ur crew in time so i had to do it.

michelle: so that doesn't mean u should be careless with it.

me: i wasn't. mistakes happen

michelle: well u shouldn't make mistakes.

me: well, then u check it urself this week.

michelle: fine. i will.

what happened? david kept tellin me to check it and send it off to the client but i dug my heels in and firmly refused. i waited till the very last minute and sure enough, she couldn't get through her teeny tiny crew even though david was helping her all week! grr...

me: adrian, r u busy right now?

adrian: well...i'm eatin a banana.

funny? ask me again in a week.

i could die. i want to die. no, michelle should die.

well i'm tucked in safe for a coupla days anyway. no more feelin like i'm being squished and the urge to sob and wail has subsided. it's really been too much work, too much crap and i'm exhausted from complaining. enough. fin.

so i've got me kitties, the movie channel or perhaps a season of buffy, some xmas projects to work on and a really cozy fire. if it's not soothing, comfy or relaxing then it can fuck off and die!

it's been a long long week.

HOW STUPID IS STOOPID?

sometimes it only takes the idiocy of another to make the whack jobs i work with seem more bearable.

productions will code items to different accounts for budgeting and cost analysis. the reports r very specific. crews don't work regular hours like us. call times, lunch and wrap times differ from day to day. we can breakdown, to the penny, how many minutes of salary or penalties and the like were spent on each episode, set, department and probably a million other fun things i don't know about. it's pretty basic stuff. x days to this & y days to that. so many penalties charged during x and not so many in y. it makes sense. usually.

note: i'm burning out, i'm sleep deprived and i'm already pretty cranky. this conversation almost killed me today:

client: can u split everythin between buget codes?

me: yes. is it just between ur episodes?

client: no. everythin is gonna be split.

me: yes, but r splitting between sets, episodes, days or somethin else.

client: no.

me: no what?

client: not like that.

me: not like days? sets? category?

client: none of that. we're just gonna split everything.

me: so what's gonna determine the amount split and to what accounts?

client: oh that's easy, it's just gonna be half and half.

me: u'r only using 2 accounts? *i'm thinkin, she couldn't possibly mean what i think she means*

client: yup.

me: so how r allocating costs? departments? days?

client: no. i just want u to split everythin in half.

me: i don't think we're on the same page here *actually i don't think we're on the same planet* can u give me an example.

client: like if the employee works one day, i want half of everythin coded to the first account and half to the second accout. *this does not serve any purpose, not that i can tell*

me: so everythin right down the middle?

client: yup.

me: regardless of anything?

client: yup.

me: we can do that but that would require us to post every item twice.

client: u can do that right?

me: yeah but i don't see why u wouldn't take the figures from the cost reports and just divide them since the split isn't dependant on anythin. we don't need to post everythin twice if the parts are exactly the same.

client: well, i can do that but the figures that we get with the cost reports are so big, i think it'll be easier this way.

@(&%*#^!$@*

does this make any fuckin sense to anyone? i don't get it. how hard is it to divide by 2? regardless of how big the number ur dividing is? we're doin twice the work for all their payroll just so she doesn't have to divide by 2?

somebody fuckin shoot now!

back to realm of the sane, now...

CAN U SEE ME NOW?

try #2.

does this work yet?

any other suggestions? pls. halp!

my head hurts now.

*pout*

LUNCH BREAK

very late lunch.

it's amazing i actually get to eat before 9. i think david can tell i'm burnin out, he bought me lunch and is making me eat it all before letting me get back to work. regulated lunch hour. weird. i'm still pretty grumpy 'bout yesterday. i've kept to myself and been really quiet - this scares 'em.

blogger's kinda confusing, i guess i'll get used to it.

r u having a hard time reading this? too dark? too small? it looked fine on my moniter at home but now lookin at it at work - it kinda sucks.

input, pls.

MOVED

so here it is. my move to blogger is complete, it's gettin to be pretty late (why do i keeep doin this?)

now, let's see if i can figure out how to work this thing.

WILL NOT KILL KILL KILL KILL

i hate michelle. hate them, it's seething! i wanna scream and throw things and then - deep breath - i'll break down and cry. i really really really wanna cry.

i'm burnin up, rage rage rage, i'm burnin out, cry cry cry.

really, tho - i can't keep this up. i feel like i'm fallin to peices and everybody at work is just steppin all over them.

on an up note: i came home to nice long email from rhonda, from way over yonder, eatin her very yummy chinese food and learning madarin. yah!

MISS U <-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> THIS MUCH!

miss phil <------>this much. k - maybe <--------------->this much.

i miss my life too. *grumble grumble grumble*

I LOVE THIS

spider-man, spider-man, does whatever a spider can

daniella, brian would love this!

AHH...HOME AT LAST

it's been one of those weeks that make me wanna crawl into a hole and sleep through the whole weekend. i worked 60 hours, i have a pinched nerve, my shoulder is so cramped up i can't turn my head, my wrist is inflamed and my hip hurts. seems like the whole right side of body is just thrashed!

i'm s'possed to work tommorow. grr...i stick out my tongue at work! i wonder what would happen if i just didn't go?

friday night. meh! i'm gonna go crawl under my fuzzy blanket with a kitty and watch tv. i can't be bothered with anything or anyone right now.

shoo world! shoo!

:0(

i can't sleep.

when did i become one of those...ya know the type, with the cramp in the shoulder, an ache in the wrist, numbness in the ass, surprised at the time and realizing that u'v been online for way too long. i've never been much of a computer person but i guess, somewhere along the line, this has become a fallacy. weird.

mental note: practice proper form while procrastinating & stop indulging in so much of it on work nights.

meh, whatever.

i don't exactly like the way i look but is it enough that i don't not like the way i look? this coupled with good healthy exercise and some great nourishing cosmetic products, i think i'll scrape by. we'll see where this goes, anyway. this year has been the first time in my life i've been able to maintain a consistant routine of exercise.

mom thinks i should eat less. we can't seem to see eye to eye on weight loss tactics. grrr...eat less, bad! food good!

i do have to admit tho - as my income increases i consider plastic surgery more and more. k - maybe consider isn't the right word. i think 'bout it but i don't think i'm really serious. liposuction, maybe - i think 'bout this the most. other than that i don't really know what i'd change or rather, i'd know what to change but not the foggiest idea of what to change to.
i think the best self-image improver for me is just avoidance of my family. i always feel fine until i talk to anyone i'm related to. then it's a slow building process to get back to OK.

they really do kill me a bit everyday.

BABBLES

i broke up with phil - if that term is even applicable in this instance. it was formally laying to rest something that never took enough form to be called anything. strange. i just felt there was a need to speak the words and offer the gesture. we were both tip toeing into a relationshipy corner. we were so stealthy, i wonder if either of us really knew what we were doin. but who does?

i suddenly feel a little lonely but i know it'll pass. there was a world of pain strewn about the path we were headed down and i really don't need any complications in my life right now. ixnay on the relationships for me, thank u very much.

my dad's lung specialist is a shit. he won't tell us anythin. we went back in to go over the results for some tests done at the hospital. i asked, quite directly, what the results indicated. he responds by passin me a prescription - take 3 times a day for 2 weeks. come back in 2 weeks. i repeat the question. he sez take the prescription, we'll see in 2 weeks. grrr...

on an up note, the last season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer came out on dvd today. i'm stoked. Joss Whedon is my hero. he's brilliant. i've been following his work for the last year or so and i just can't get enough it. i get so sucked into the fantasy that i'm a little disappointed with reality when i stop watching/reading. kinda sad how boring our world is.

CATCHIN UP WITH THE WORLD

Three of these four things really happened, just recently.

(a) The government of Vietnam is said to be moving to lethal injection for capital punishment because its firing squads, populated with volunteers, too often nervously miss.

(b) An airplane hangar in a Los Angeles suburb was found filled with bags of empty soda cans, to a height of 10 feet, with police believing a gang has been stealing cans from homeless people.
c) A California county is systematically ticketing drivers who appear to be high only on kava herbal tea.

d) A Missouri man fled a court hearing on an animal abuse charge but was captured a few minutes later hiding in a doghouse.

some fun stuff i found while wandering 'round THE EDGE :

• The first poll ever taken by George Gallup was a survey to find the prettiest girl on campus at the University of Iowa, where he was editor of the student newspaper in the early 1920s. Gallup ended up marrying the winner.
• John Kerry's cousin was a close friend of Lee Harvey Oswald.
• President Harry S. Truman's laundry was sent to Missouri to be washed.
• President Benjamin Harrison was afraid to touch light switches.
• The only car Ralph Nader has ever owned was a 1949 Studebaker, which he sold 30 years ago when he was a Harvard Law School student.
• Plymouth Rock weighs about 4 tons.
• Neil Armstrong's salary in 1969 (when he walked on the moon) was $30,000.
• Ephebiphobia is the fear of teenagers.
• Most parrots are left-handed.
• The easiest sound for the human ear to hear is "ah."
• The sun's surface is transparent.
• James Madison weighed 100 pounds.
• George Washington had a dog named Drunkard.
• Adolf Hitler was Time magazine's Man of the Year for 1938.
• The patient in the "Operation" board game is named Cavity Sam.
• Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
• Mosquitoes prefer blondes to brunettes.
• The Egg McMuffin was invented by a man named Herb Peterson.
• The asteroid that was believed to have killed the dinosaurs was named Chixalub.
  

for those of still reeling from the election:

It's been 10 days since the election and still a lot of you haven't recovered. You're wandering around in a daze wondering what happened. Well, we'll tell you what happened. We voted. All of us, including the stupid ones. You know who you are. Well, on second thought, you probably don't. Maybe this will help you decide if you're one of the voting stupid:

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." And then she voted.

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uhh, Pacific." And then he voted.

So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but didn't think she'd get sunburned "because the car was moving." And then she voted.

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the passenger side door map pocket. And then she voted.

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10 percent. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10 percent and gave us a 20 percent discount. And then he voted.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained profession-als and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" And then they all voted.

and my all time favorite topic of all: dumb laws

• Men in Florida may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
• It is illegal to get a fish drunk in Ohio.
• In Florida, having sex with a porcupine is illegal.
• In Pennsylvania, it is against the law to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
• In Florida, you may not pass gas in a public place after 6 p.m. on Thursdays.
• In Ohio, it is against the law to ride a jackass faster than 6 mph.
• In Ridley Park, Pa., you cannot walk backward eating peanuts in front of the
• Barnstormers Auditorium during a performance.

don't forget to take note of the DANGERS OF PASSING GAS

oh and have u all signed up for the WORLD TOILET SUMMIT IN BEIJING? register today for early bird discounts!

BABBLES

busy, busy, busy. i've been neglecting dance. i miss it but there r more important things to deal with right now. i'm still on a strict rountine tho: pilates 5 times a week and the gym at least once a week. the weight is still packin on tho - quiting smokin is a bitch. the oral fixation is killer!

went to the Two For the Money wrap party on friday. weird venue - it was at the new casino in richmond. i thought it was to emphasis the theme of the movie but it turns out McConaughey chose the place cuz he can't get enough of it. he was present, incognito of course, but not very well. there was a small mob following him around and watchin him get progressivly more intoxicated throughout the night. nearing the end of the party everybody's mouths were whispering 'bout the weird grunting spectacle he was putting on in the poker room. Renee Russo was also in attendence and everyone oo'd and ah'd at how gorgeous she was. did u know she was in her 50's?!? i never woulda thunk it! alsa, tho - Al Pacino was dragged away last minute by the beacon of a sick child. oh woe is me! i was so lookin forward to meeting him. ah, well, next time.

i split a pack of smokes that night. seems difficult the socialize and schmooz if u don't smoke. i'm gonna hafta figure out another gimick soon. how do u non-smokers do it?

i went, i saw, i schmoozed. i've done my duty and i've done it well. i rock! and hey, these film industry crews r just littered with hotties! i'm game.

day 3 smoke free - again. i went 3 days smoke free and broke on saturday. now it's 3 again. it's not even hard anymore, but i'm still having trouble catching my breath.

phil keeps callin. he knows i'm upset. i don't want to talk to him. he's so sweet. *gag* i would retract that but backspacing is too much effort right now.

work. *grumble, grumble, grumble* michelle thinks everyone hates her. who am i to correct her? k - well we don't hate her (k - well some of us do). busy, busy, busy and too much overtime.

my brother wants me to pick up xmas presents for my parents and he'll chip in half he sez. i'm a little warm and fuzzy - but just a little. and so the xmas list begins...i don't know why i'm so late gettin started this year.

xmas. i'm afraid. don't know how i'm gonna get through this one. everything else has been easy but xmas will be the hardest alone.

SODA CRACKERS & INSTANT COFFEE

lunch, saturday.

u had soup and it came with a pack of crackers. u picked up the familiar red, turned it once and then again - yup, still 2 crackers. u'r eyes tell me u'r thinkin, u'r smiling - or not really smiling but gesturing to no one that u remember something but u'r not telling, it's kinda sad and behind u'r half smile i know that u'r protecting me.

u'r afraid, i think.

lunch was hard. i sat across from u spontaneously tearing up. i swallowed hard, tried not to let u see. wiped away the tears with my sleeve, lookin this way and that hopin u wouldn't notice.
i wanna take u to fiji, to australia. do u think we'll make it in time?

after lunch i found myself craving instant coffee just like u used to have it. too much sugar and too much cream. no one understands this, thinks i might as well skip the coffee and drink sweetened cream. but it's u. i used to make u instant coffee and u would tell me it's perfect. i would always breath deep, like u did when i passed it to u, memorizing the aroma before i passed on the one perfect thing i ever made. now, it's the only way i can take my coffee and i even though i drink almost straight from the bean now i still prefer the smell of instant.
how did i grow up so fast? it must be 10 years since u'v found out i drank coffee, smoked. but we've each quit one since then.

mom sez i should get liposuction, it's becoming quite affordable, she thinks. u came to my defence - so strange. the skinny ones do look a bit like monkeys don't they?

dad thinks i'm pretty. could anything possibly matter beyond that?