WORK POLITICS

i feel like i've been spun around and bounced on my head for the last 2 days. the office is in complete chaos. the politics are under my skin and tearing at my will to go on.

i think i might be losing my job.

UPDATING

it almost feels weird to be posting again, like it's been so long i've forgotten how to gather my thoughts close and set them down - well, i guess it's usually less ceremoniously, they're more randomly dropped than actually set down by any logical means.

those who know me have no doubt guessed that my life's been shiny and happy ergo the non-blogging state of being.

so what have i been doin? i'm not even sure. in hind sight it seems minimal but suffice it to say that life has been good to me.

i've been dancing 5 nights a week (4 salsa, 1 belly dancing)

i'm only going to the gym once a week now.

my self esteem has been soaring. i'm in great shape, not actually losing any weight but i don't think i've ever looked better. - k - i'm lying. i thought i looked best when i weighed in under 100lbs and everybody thought i was on heroin but this is much healthier.

i've been working - a lot

i'm anxiously waiting for a response on my union application

things with salsa guy (the rippling mass of yum that harlequin romance novels are made of) are gettin on la-di-da

the weather in Vancouver has been gorgeous. it came late this year but it's here. i'm saddened anticipating the end of summer which i know will only come too soon but it's slowed my step and made me appreciate every moment of it that much more

i finished the new Harry Potter last night. OMFG! i found myself pleading with the book for the last 50 pages or so, "please, no...no...no...please no." when i turned the last page and realized there was no more i wept. i wept for the hero and i wept for long wait till the next book.

i'm back to reading the Da Vinci Code and i've started reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stone again. i miss reading sooooooo much.

i've said good-bye to some old friends - well i didn't actually get to say it but i've given up hope. i'm sad and will be mourning the loss for a long while coming.

i'm makin new friends, finding new life and reveling in a new joy i never thought possible before.

i am content.

i am happy.

i know who i am.

i know what i'm doing.

X-MEN 3 CASTING CALL

X-Men 3 extras casting call is scheduled for Sunday July 24th 2005, 11am-2pm, at The Vacation Inn, 3020 Douglas Street, at Mayfair Mall.

According to the ad :BACKGROUND PERFORMERS/EXTRAS NEEDED, Ages 7-99 yrs. We would like to see really interesting looking kids and adults of all ethnicities. Also twins, triplets, quads, albino, really big or tall, really short or small, ugly and strange looking. FILMING IN VICTORIA AREA. Approx. AUGUST 8th to AUGUST 27th, 2005. Must be accompanied by an adult if under 15yrs old.

CRUSH

have u ever been so comfortable with someone that u didn't care how or as what, as long as they were some part of your life?

i don't have commitment issues.

i have trust issues.

but not this time.

i'm in such a good mood all the time that i think i might actually burst into something sickeningly cheesy - like butterflies or dandelions. i'm constantly daydreaming about where i go from here and not care cuz i know it's gonna be gorgeous when i get there.

u can all puke now.

HOT DATE

went out with salsa guy last night. atlantis on salsa night kicks ass! i'm all smiley and floating. things are goin well. life is good. wish i had more time to post.

THOUGHT...

is speed dating like prostituting yerself? i mean, basically, a bunch of ppl have paid $ to line up and look me up down before deciding if they would like to eventually sleep with me.

BABBLES

life has been so hectic but so fulfilling lately.

i've been feelin sorta blue, distant from the ones i love the most and lonely. is it greedy to want everything? my life kinda kicks ass when i really think about it. my career is flourishing, i'm in serious flirt-flirt-back holding pattern with salsa guy, i dance 3 or 4 times a week, my family is healing, and yet i've been mopin around for days. what's wrong with me?

maybe i can chalk it up to some bad weather, a bug. i dunno. i feel like i'm lookin for something and if i look hard enough it'll be there. but how do u look harder when u don't know what ur lookin for? if yer just tossin things around lookin for nothing in particular, aren't u just makin a mess?

i went out lookin for some trouble last night. none was to be found but the potential was congesting. i'm off my game or just tired of it. it doesn't seem to have the same allure as it did last summer. i gotta say tho - what little action i get is fuckin hot! but it's feelin a little empty, lackin in follow thru. what do i want?

part of me desperately misses being in a relationship, comin home to someone. but in hind sight, i don't think i've ever been a healthy relationship, one where i didn't eventually dread coming home. could i really miss that? part of me is still enjoying the single life. i'm not bad company when it comes down to it and i've really liked being myself - well...for the most part.

i've been trying to contact some old friends, some people that meant the world to me. ppl that loved me so much they chose to shun me rather than watch me hurt myself. they don't seem to want to be found or they've forgotten who i am and how diligently i can set change into motion when i feel like it. i'm finally doin it all right and they don't care to know or have just stopped caring. someone asked why i was bothering. i do cuz i'm me. that's what i do. it's always been important to me make amends with everyone i've ever wronged, hurt. i've randomly sought out people from high school that i was less than nice to, ex boyfriends that left on sour notes, people that've misunderstood me, that i've misunderstood, family. i've worked my down my list and can be cleansed and start over. and yet the people who taught me the need for this can't find it in themselves to hear me out.

is it possible to truly start over from a clean slate?