DOODIE DOODIE

sam did funny things to my compooter last night. thank you thank you thank you! not only is it much prettier, now i can share all this fun crap i amuse myself with.



now if i could just figure out this blogrollin thing. nah! let's just watch the olympic poopers some more!

look - blood & guts. does it get any better than this?

POST HOLIDAY BLAHS

so that was xmas, eh?

well, i did it. i got thru it and here i am on the other end of xmas, sane and all limbs accounted for. i'm tempted to say it wasn't so bad but, really, it wasn't that great. it seemed pretty shitty for quite a few people actually. i hope most of u did better than those i managed to see over the weekend.

i find i'm left with a bitter taste in my mouth and an itch at the back of my throat that i can't scratch. i was smoking all weekend, i'm weak weak weak.

i can't say i'm sad xmas if over. i'm thankful to the friends that carried me this last week. u guys remind me that this is just a glitch.

PISS IN MY CHOCO BASKET

every year i buy a xmas gift for everyone in the office, all the production accountants and even david's little girl. this year, due to time constraints and a general sense of defeat, i gave up. all that effort, wasted. this year, i bought one thoughtless chocolate basket and dumped in the middle of the office for everyone to pick at. no fuss, no muss. and even those of us whose religion turns us away from celebrating xmas can get sick off of eating too much chocolate before lunch.

michelle, after stuffing her face, hollers out across the office - "wow, u must be the wealthiest out of all of us here." now why the fuck would she feel the need to go and cheapen this! i feel so shitty i wanna cry. i don't do this cuz i have money to spare - i do it cuz i want to, and obviously, for no apparent reason. i wanted to tell her off. why would she take somethin good i've done, somethin that no one else in office does and cheapen it by insinuating that i must be the only one here that can afford to do such things? i don't do it for monetary reasons, it's not like i get a fuckin tax credit on this or anything. i bring in treats & goodies every fuckin week, all year round - it's just what i do. why, why, why would she be so mean about it?!?!?!!?

i ended up just responding "not at all." i was burning to point out that i'm just the least cheap but that's not really fair to the others in the office. everybody else actually brings goodies in and buys me lunch every now and then to make up for it. in short - everyone else has become a little more generous, a little more communal since my coming here. everyone except for michelle. last year, she was my secret santa. we had a $ 20 cap on the gifts and everyone spent at least that much. again, tho - everyone but michelle. she gave me one of those cheap day planners with the plastic covers and 3 days to a page type deal. it was also for the year that was just ending to boot! she said, "there's a picture of a cat on it, i know how much u like cats."

people suck. she sucks. i shoulda bought her a chocolate cock cuz she sucks sucks sucks. i feel shitty. i wanna cry.

MY RAYRAY

It’s funny how a song can sometimes bring the reality of your absence crashing down on me. It breaks my chest, the ache, the dull throb, the yearning and wanting to go back in time. Say the things I always meant to say and kiss you the way you always wanted. I can almost feel you, taste you. I can hear you and that old Eric Clapton song you loved so much.

It’s a harsh breath, a flood of longing for you to warm my hands. Insanity is the all consuming need for power. The power to will it the way it should be, the way you want it to be. The need and the want wrap tightly round my mind, twisting, choking the life out of you. I watch you die every day and my feet only want to follow. I somehow feel that I know what you thought when it happened. I hate that I can’t love you more for it and how I could never tell you. I feel like I failed you in not deciding in time, for being blind and afraid to let you in.

I can’t think about you. The insanity of it takes root, holds me fast. There is no way to move on and it makes me want to die. I’ll be crushed by all my own clichés, drowned in my own crazy. There’s so much guilt with no where to spill and no reason to exist, it just does and it’s never needed justification, it’s only ever needed the thought of you.

You are the darkness that is my past. The baggage I never thought to put down. You are where memory begins, the moment before sunrise, the reason I am me. I hate you for being the one thing I couldn’t love more. You’ve become perfection incarnate. You are the answer to everything, the right that conquers the wrong, the moment that would have changed my life forever – all just because you could never be.

SUPER U

if u were a superhero, what would u be called?

ben:
superhero? pfft - i'd much rather be a villain. as i secretly cherish the role of being the guy that people love to hate. so what does eveyone hate? everyone hates mimes! my special powers would include the ability to pantomime the good citizens of [insert ficticious urban name here] and their protectorate guardian 'heros' into feeble submission all whilst obtaining the necessary resources to create my dastardly genius super weapon - 'The Silent Treatment'. the TST takes away the spoken word from innocent and unsuspecting victims, forcing them to 'charade' in order to communicate which incites chaos and riots everyhwere. it's pure evil muhaha.

i was left with very little choice.

whatever will the good citizens of [insert ficticious urban name here] do?! the delicate balance between good and evil has been tipped. fear not! for there is showtune girl and her trusty side kick, opera boy. together they fight the helter-skelter of mime man with glam-style chorus' and shrill arias and a whole riverdance troup to back them up. mime man has no choice but to retreat to a sound proof room with an ensemble of munchkins, singin something about deer, in his wake. o the horror! must re-group, re-think. what will mime man do next? ah ha! the TST! but unbeknownst to him, showtune girl has already sabataged his evil genius mechanism with her very own super-duper-evil-genius-mechanism-counter-measure, her very own TST - 'The Singing Telegram' [overlay dramatic eerie sound effect]. we won't be hearing from mime man any time soon - so to speak. order has been restored, the mayor of [aforementioned ficticious urban name] gives showtune girl the key to the city and a basket of canned lychee in thanx. she curtsied to a standing ovation and then a fat lady sang.

anyone else?

PEOPLE BAD. POO ON U!

me: this guy was paid from 7am - 9am last week and now we've got another time card for the same day from 7am - 10pm

client: that's right. we realized he worked more than indicated so we're making adjustments this week.

me: but it looks like he's being paid twice for his time from 7am - 9am.

client: will u please just pay it. i know what i'm doin, i don't need u second guessing me. u'r not the one doin the payroll.

me: but i am the one that does the payroll.

client: well, u'r not paid to think!

'NOTHER BREAK

david just snuck in to check up on me. he so badly wants to catch me doin somethin nasty in the office. well, maybe he shoulda tried a night when i don't feel like stringin myself up in a noose.

it's too hot in here.

NEEDIN A BREAK!

i'm drownin in payroll! we're shooting with a second unit and we're pre-paying the next 2 weeks. i could die.

i seem to havin this conversation at work a lot

michelle: who opened the window?
me: i did. it's friggin hot!
michelle: it's so cold.
me: work faster!

the funniest part is we really have this conversation a few times a week. why hasn't she caught on yet? i'm not gonna close the fuckin window!

does anybody else pass the day by picturing ur co-workers pickled in a jar?

BABBLES

in today's episode of insomniac baker's we featured carrot pineapple muffins.

i'm so tense from work that when i get home i can't sleep. i feel like i need to keep go go go going. during the day i'm speakin abnormally fast. i'm wound up so tight i'm actualy vibrating. even if i do manage to get to sleep i wake up at ungodly hours terrified that i've slept the day away and missed work. sucks i tell ya! i was up at 5 this morning, got bored so i started grating carrots. this is gettin to be habit, soon i'll be makin 3 course meals in the morning to bring into the office.

my brother brought me pizza again for dinner and adrian paid. my whole world is standing on its head!

got to work this morning to find a strange email from the Tdot office waiting for me. "r u made of flesh?" . i was so tired i really had to stop and consider the question but the last i checked, yes i am flesh amongst other things. i think it's in the genes, the speed that is. well, i s'posse the flesh too now that i think about it. what's it called? manual dexterity? to be able to do repetive things quickly? does doing simple calculations, checking codes and typing count as repetitive? i dunno, but everyone in my family manages to do things freakishly fast if we put our minds to it. we seem to be very quick at figuring out quirky little systems. dunno. but, really, i am human. i swear.

more paper cuts. my whole hand stings. was a little faint this evening. losin too much blood?

how long does it take to send something out to toronto this time of year?

rhonda, did u get yer present yet?

my brother is puttin in an alarm in my car for xmas. my world is tumblin round and round.

Garbage rocks! the band that is, not like the stinky variety garbage. i can't get their stuff outta me head. tunes in the office this week have been dominated by: Garbage, Linkin Park, Incubus & 4 Star Mary. really keeps ya goin! michelle's hatin me now.

according to Reel West my company has 50% of the market right now. absolutely unheard of! big bonus big bonus!

and u know in MSwindows, there's that button that minimizes all windows? i lost mine. how do i put back on the toolbar? where does it hide? halp.

k - unwound. bed time.

BABBLES

workin till midnight by yerself in the cambie & pender area is frightening. not recommended.

i was attacked today in the office by angry paper. i've never seen so much blood from paper cuts.

adrian posed an interesting question. we've both more or less moved into the office since we spend so much friggin time there - does that make us common law? he's been callin me honey all day. hmmm...i think i'm gonna file for divorce but he can keep david.

i had no idea underworld 2 was gonna be such a huge show. this is, by far, the largest show the vancouver office has done in the last 3 years! i'm pretty stoked 'bout this movie. i'm craving more dark fantasy in big budget features. o - has anyone heard anything 'bout the the phantom of the opera movie? i'm not quite sure how i feel about this just yet but i'm sure i'll watch it. also pretty excited 'bout the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy . has anyone else seen the older one?

anyway, at work it's amusing to check out the role of the person u'r paying. the cast is sounding like so: corpse #2, impaled corpse, death dealer #5. it kinda makes ya feel like yer on the wrong end of the cheque seeing how much cash $ an impaled corpse gets paid. sick. just sick.

tired.

hungry...

i've got a hankering for a can of lychee. don't mock, it's just a hankerin.

XMAS BLUES

it occured to me tonight that i still think about him way too much and, crazily enough, still a little hurt that he probably goes months or forever without ever thinkin of me. he never thought much of me while we were together, why would he now? me insane? well...i never made any claims otherwise.

i think i know why i'm dreading xmas so much.

u see, the better part of a decade was spent with a guy that never thought much of special occasions. 9 birthdays with the guy and i got a grand total of 1 whopin birthday present or a better way of puttin it, i got 1 birthday suprise the whole time we were together. don't get me wrong, it's not the gift that's important - it's not havin to beat u'r boyfriend over the head to acknowledge that it's at least special to u. it woulda been nice. valentine's - well i was never really into that either but it woulda been a good excuse to do somethin for a coupla people that never did anythin. anniversary's - they were just terribly inconvenient for him since it fell somewhere 'round finals. shit! i shoulda met him some other time i guess! or, not at all.

so here it is. december. xmas cheer threatening my well being around every corner. that's the one he let me have. special occasions were non-existent with this guy but xmas was special. it wasn't always, it took years for me to win this one. i remember there was one year i painted a fire place and had hoped that we might hang stockings over it come xmas. yeah it was a shitty fireplace, i tend to suck at arts & crafts, make horrendously ugly things. it was child like and small but it was all i had, the best i could do. it was left by the window and was thoroughly ruined by the rain. that's sorta the way i remember him now. it was a crazy idea to begin with and for lack of something it was completely ruined. lack of what? i dunno, maybe it woulda worked if either of any inkling at all. we never had a chance. we never had a clue.

the last few xmas' were magical tho. it wasn't just him but i'll grudgingly admit he was a big part of it. there was family, his & mine and there was love, for each other and for life. for those that know me know how important finding a family was to me and how rare it was that i had any love for life. the words home & family r my holy grail and i loved his family for welcoming me and treating me as if i really were a part of something.

what's it today, the 5th? we're gettin pretty close, but not close enough to panic just quite yet. 20 days and where am i? i'm at home, and not just some gushy sentiment 'bout where ur heart is but i have an address on a real street with a real postal code and everything. and where's the love? it's everywhere. i have never felt so loved and been so enamoured with the idea of being alive. as for family...well, 2 outta 3 ain't bad. this'll hafta a be a work in progress. i hope my present finds his family well but i'm facing the fact, now that i know he's got another girlfriend, that they r his and he'll be bringin someone else home.

my family? well, after a series of bad capital ventures together, we all seem to hate each other again. the last few years were wonderful watchin my family come together and feelin like maybe i was already a part of something great but i've spent the whole year watchin it fall apart, watchin us hurt each other, gouging, hating and killing each other, as i'm so prone to say, a little bit everyday. there r no words for my sadness.

but, i've got friends and people who love me. even phil's invited me to meet his family in toronto. but this is all sounding too dejavuish so, of course, i declined. the last time i gave in to the seasonal blues and acted against my better judgement i came home broken and any hope of a friendship shattered, any illusion of being loved dispelled.

nah. phil and i don't need to go there. we haven't really inflicted any hurt on each other yet, so we should really quit while we're still good. it's odd for me look back on it tho and see more special occasions with phil than i had with my ex. part of me is sad but mostly it gives me hope. it was only half a year with phil, imagine what happens when i really fall in love. that's a happy thought. it wasn't me that couldn't be happy, there just wasn't all that much to be happy about.

so, my plans to spend xmas in vegas have been dashed. i thought it woulda been easier if i weren't here, surrounded by the quiet of xmas. i don't know if u've ever noticed but if u go outside on xmas, it's eerily quiet. i know now that inside, it's excitement, it's gifts and warmth, love and hugs and smiles, festive and contentment, it gettin everything u ever wanted. outside, tho, is nothing but the silence of wanting. so i was gonna go away but my vacation request was declined. too busy. and u know, it's great to be so busy right now, so busy i don't hafta think about it all that much but what do i do come xmas eve and how do i make it thru xmas day?

BABBLE BABBLE

i'm cold, inside and out. tired.

is it just me or r ppl gettin funnier? am i just goin wonky from fatigue? or, am i just happier?

it's been a tough coupla weeks. tonight was my first night off (if ya can call it that). bitch bitch bitch...yet i can dump all my shit in this here litterbox of mine and tomorrow becomes just another day. hm.

there's been trace amounts of downers fizzling in me alize but only enough to pose a glitch, a minor, momentary blurghp then i'm back to singin to myself 'bout a one shoe. i think there's only one person in the world that gets that joke and he'll likely never hear that song again so it's all mine again. like the turtle, bernie, i used to hide in the pocket of my oversized jeans that were hangin way too low. bernie was precious and my little secret. i used to smile every time he poked me in the thigh and every now and then i would take him out and marvel at how awsome he was, pokin his head this way and that, sluggin his way across the desk when no one was lookin. when i put him back in my pocket i knew none would ever be the wiser. my secret weapon against all that drags the heart down.

it's been a funny week. pardon the miniposts. random thoughts and impulses to blog. it's not very much unlike the flesh & tangible me, quirky and random.

"strangers in the night exchanging glances
wond'ring in the dark"

god i miss the summer! and yet another song i sing to myself, but this one a few more ppl get.

i've noticed strangers visitin, from far, from places i've never heard of. the internet seems to shrink the world and lay it flat at my fingertips. imagine, this is the key hole for peepers to peer into my mind, somethin the people i work with everyday cannot do. amazing. frightening.

i'm happy :) i'm sad :( i'm silly :P i'm really hapy :D and these r just the rudimentary ones.


is it silly that i'm still so easily impressed by that which brings my best friend ,who's so very very far away back to my apt, my cats and me? [i'm right there with u babe! ]

tee hee. yeah. i'm pretty impressed. and damn fuckin amused!

DO UR PART!

petition for equal marriage

it's important, it's good, it's right.

ROAR

i am hennie...keeper of useful referencing lists & pages. roar!

SHHHH...

adrian's eatin' another banana

*hush*

SMUSH BUSH

dubya bush made light of his luke warm welcome to canada by "thanking the canadians that came out to wave...with all five fingers."