SATISFACTION

after days of craving, i made 3 stops this morning, was an hour late for work but i got it. i finally got it. i've got me a banana chocolate chip muffin!

it is the singular most awesome of all things that kick ass damn muffin i've ever had!

oh how sweet life can be.

HARRY POTTER DELAYED?!?!

the release of the new Harry Potter movie may be blocked in Canada. i can't take it!

AFFIRMATION

addiction is being powerless.

i am not powerless.

GRUMBLES

so not only am i deprived my banana chocolate chip muffin first thing in the morning but the new girl at work is another smoker. does it get any harder?

yes.

i had to stay late to meet yet another almost impossible demand (same client). by the time i was finished (around 930) i figured - what the hell, it's already so late anyway, i might as well finish up some odds and ends so tomorrow morning will be smooth sailing. around 10 my car alarm goes off. i look out the window - car's still there but i can only see the passenger side and it's not really parked that close. i figured - what the hell, it's already so late anyway, i might as well finish up some odds and ends so tomorrow morning will be smooth sailing. i left the office at 1030 to find my driver side window has been smashed.

oh how i hate the world today!

DISAPPOINTMENT

there's nothing like spending half an hour driving to work with a banana chocolate chip muffin thinking the whole time 'bout it's yummy goodness. i couldn't wait to get to work to eat it only to discover that the muffin had been deceiving me the whole time - just letting me think it was, in fact, banan chocolate chip. but it was just a plain old blueberry muffin.

*sigh*

an hour into the week and i'm already stressed!

i hate people that quit without notice.

SAYING NO

it's been a crap week at work.

the client is demanding unrealistic turnaround and my company wants me to refuse. that's fine if not for the fact that i suck-ass at saying no. the most difficult part of this situation is that we've allowed this particular client to make outrageous demands of us in the past and we've complied. how do u revoke that? the client doesn't really care, nor should they, that u'r work load has doubled and u'r staff has been halved so how do u explain why u can no longer provide the service that they've come to expect? the clients perspective of the company should remain consistent. how do i maintain a "steady and cordial relationship that we can control and manage" when we've always just bent over?

story of my fuckin life!

why is it so difficult to say no? not just at work but the rest of my life too. i've said no so many few times that sometimes the people around me forget to ask, they just demand. have i lost the right to be upset because i wouldn't say no any way? it's a lose/lose. if i say no, there's the eternal damnation of guilt. if i say yes - well i'm just beatin myself up for not saying no.

i think it's the disappointment. not just at me but in general. why disappoint if u can avoid it and at such little cost? but how do u measure the cost of going out of your way? it all adds up and it just gets overwhelming. so overwhelming, in fact, that i just shut down completely and we all know how viscous that cycle can get.

so how do i keep up? with my clients, my co-workers, my family, my friends?

does the inability to say no make me a better service provider, co-worker, daughter or friend? it's the inability to not shut down that's the problem - what if that weren't an issue?

does my reaction to menial requests make me any more or less of person?

what if it made me less me?

BABBLES

i've been computerless at home for the last week. i've got everything working but i can't get it to display the way it used to. grrr...

my mood swings seem to have calmed down some or i was too busy at work to notice. new girl starts on monday...it's never good.

if transit goes on strike tomorrow i'll be the only at work.

BABBLES

i'm afraid.

i've been wanting to cry all day for no reason.

i've been takin' work really personally all day and my feelings are hurt.

it's 6 - i'm off work. i dont' want to keep working but i don't want to go home.

i just want today to be done with!

BLARGH

i've been really down and kinda cranky lately. i'm trying to quit smoking again. what is this - the 4th or 5th time? it's beginning to feel pathetic. there wasn't so much planning this time, just blind determination. i'm 2 days without a smoke yet i still have half a pack left. part of me wants to toss 'em to squash any temptation but i'm afraid - what if i need 'em? i'm not feelin so confident this time and that makes me think it's a bad idea to try now.

i've been feeling really lonely again. i want company, someone to talk to but i'm not very pleasant to be around at the moment - i'm too tense. it only gets lonelier. i guess it's that time of the year. the weather turns to shit, the gloom seems endless and christmas taunts me from around the corner. maybe it won't be so bad this year...

i hate being sad about christmas. i hate having no where to go and no one to celebrate with.

dance classes are closing down for the holidays. what the hell am i gonna do with myself?

work will be potentially busy since someone just quit but potentially stressful since new hires always seem to make me hemorrhage from the ears.

where has the year gone and how the hell am i gonna get thru the rest of it?

SERENITY

anyone who hasn't should go see Serenity NOW! it's a great show whether u've seen the original Firefly series or not. the 2 week contract with the theaters is up this thursday - there's no telling if it'll be around this coming weekend. it's really not to be missed, don't be turned off by the space-cowboy theme. the sci-fi/western aspect sorta fades away once u get into the story. if anyone wants to go see it - i'm game.

BABBLES

it's my uncle's birthday today. he turns 50. this is the guy that drives at excessive speeds, wrestles with the kids, sings at the top of his lungs when entering a room. the biggest kid in the family turns 50 today.

i used to squeal in delight every time we wrestled. i used to pout when he carved intricate pagoda's outta carrots and i sat by his side ruining all the other carrots with my renditions of croked pointy sticks. some things never change - i still make ugly things no matter how hard i try.

i just walked (waded) to chinatown and bought him a set carving tools. maybe he'll take it up again and i can get some good pics.

in the store, i buckled and realized for the first time in my life - i was afraid to speak chinese. it's slippin, near gone. it's frightening losing yer first language.

BOWEN ISLAND PICS

beer plant
Originally uploaded by jennasi.

not so many pictures as u would expect from me on a 3 day excursion but it was a lazy weekend.

the weather was gorgeous - u'll notice i got a killer tan and just from sitting outside reading! it was 25 degrees on my birthday! that has to be some sort of record.

the budweiser can was there when we got there. i was so fond of it i almost brought it home with me but i thought it would be a nice surprise for the next visitors.

BABBLES

i feel like i have volumes pent up, unable to speak. maybe i just wanna talk. i think i miss talking.

i think i'm confusing safe and happy. i think i'm confusing availability and love.

i am confusing busy for feeling.

i've been feeling hollow.

there is no pain. is this content?

i want for nothing. i feel nothing. i am nothing.

SHOT IN VANCOUVER

Two For the Money opening this friday.

this'll be my 1st wide release.