ISN'T THIS INTERESTING?

J
Joyful
E
Easy
N
Noisy
N
Naughty
A
Accurate
S
Shocking
I
Intelligent
C
Colorful
H
Honorable
O
Overwhelming
Y
Yucky
as opposed to:
H
Handsome
E
Elitist
N
Neat
N
Nerdy
I
Ideal
E
Emotional
C
Cheerful
H
Honest
O
Old
Y
Yummy
Name / Username:
Name Acronym GeneratorFrom Go-Quiz.com
now why do i go from yummy to being yucky after changing my name? ah well...at least i'm not old any more and what do they mean "easy"?

GRUMPY GRUMP

i'm freezing.

i drove in this morning with my window down, goose bumps and chills all the way here. why didn't i roll the window up, u ask? well thanks to some fucker who's scored himself a brand new bottle of red gatorade (and nothing else) i have no fuckin window to roll up!

i hope u cut yerself, asshole!

RENT RETURNS!

who wants to come with?

http://www.musicalheaven.com/r/rent.shtml

and on a side note of disgust brought to my attention by SeraphimTears: A Dr. Seuss Scandal . eegahd! won't someone stop the insanity!

DROOLING

saturday we ended up goin to the fairview. it was a nice down to earth crowd with some great live blues. we were chokin in the over crowded smoking room and i was listening to the other conversations goin on around me.

there was a guy in the corner chatting (quite passionately) 'bout his work. he was a sous chef somewhere. he was describing some of his creations and bantering with the guys around him. they were tossing ideas back and forth, each trying to outdo the last. finally the blond guy hushes the rest with this:

seared scallops surrounded by caramelized peaches topped with spinach (i'm sure there was something special 'bout the spinach but i can't recall right now) and then covered with strips of foie gras and something 'bout a brandy sauce.

now i'm not crazy 'bout all the ingredients, (i made horrendous faces the last time i tried to swallow foie gras) but the guy was just so passionate 'bout it that i found myself a wee bit turned on. i kept making eyes at him the rest of the night but i'm sure it was hard to tell if i was makin eyes or merely just trying to keep the smoke out of 'em. laugh if u will, i've decided that i gots to find me a sous chef to date!

LOVE ACTUALLY, MEH...NOT REALLY

i was a little confused yesterday. i spent the day building anxiety, quivering with anticipation and fighting the urge to throw up. i didn't know what to make of the seeing of each other - i was all happy and pukey. but work beacons he responds.

i picked up videos on the way from work and spent the night in. it'd been a while since i'd spent any real time at home - i didn't know what to do with myself. it was all awfully confusing, and my cats kept pearin at me in thier peripheral as if i were interupting somethin very sinisterly important.

i watched Never Been Kissed first. Drew Barrymore (homely does not become her!). i didn't realize that i'd already seen this one but i picked it up so i could drool over Michael Vartan .
it was a crappy movie but i got what i wanted outta it. then i watched Love Actually. no good either. i couldn't really care less 'bout any of the relationships that were developing - i didn't care 'bout any of the characters, well except for the kid - he was cute, i cared about him. him the very yummy carl. all in all a bit of a dissappointment.

6 hours on the couch eating left overs and craving romance. change is swirling all around me - i was never that girl with a box of choco things and hankies armed with dangerous chick flicks. i mean liked them, they were great for leaving my brain behind and oober-veg-fests but it's stirring something now.

i think maybe it's the fume of possibility i'm gettin so high off of. things used to be pretty set, romance was something that only happened in the movies and the sweet guys were all made up. it made sense. my world was in order, logical and effecient. i was practical and real and no off feet sweeping type. and the guy i was with...well he was him.

now...hmmm...now it's all about the fantasy. the guy i end up with could be the hottest guy ever, the sweetest, the everythng i ever wanted. he could be romantic and brilliant all rolled into one great big hunk of yum. maybe not knowing the future is better, not knowing who i'll end up with - it'll be a surprise and it really could be anything i wanted it to be.

but i'm already aching for it. how quickly i tire of the game. i don't want to be the mouse any more and i'm sick and tired of being the pussy. what if the surprise turns out to be a punchline instead? not knowing is great for awhile, certainly makes the fantasy all the more exciting but how can i be sure the chase doesn't play itself out forever? that i haven't missed something?
this is just a bad reaction to some poorly received intel, isn't it? who knows...
i think i'm lonley.

just Fuckedup Insecure Neurotic Emotional!

GRRRRRR

date cancelled.

how do i feel now?

work sucks...

...?...

so the ex has had a girlfriend for a while now...how do i feel about that?

i have a date tonight, first in a long while, what do i think of that?

what changes the second point now that i know the first?

am i still ok?

ME CASA

i hate myself every time i see a similar shitbox drive by and i can't stop myself from checking to see if it's him.

i was trapped in the highest tower, in the grandest of all of the sand castles we never built. there was an ocean never traversed, a buoy to mark every promise ever sunk and there was me, in a sandbox that i thought was my great big world.

u wondered why we look back and see such different portraits. it's because u never allowed me to inconvenience u - never so much that it was a real inconenience. when u said, "it'll be ok" u never meant it beyond urself, u only ever meant it for urself and never cared what else was left beyond that. i see now that i never crossed the mote into ur fortress.

i can build my own, dig myself out and build as grand as i please. make it how it should have been. stop tellin me that u made me stronger, smarter and equiped me with my pail and plastic blue shovel. get out of my head and stay out of my victories. u r not there. we don't thank the ppl that hurt us just because we are made stronger by the hurt. things don't just happen for a reason, the actions we take are the reasons things will happen.

so stay the fuck out of my sandbox!

FAREWELL TO A WAY TOO LONG WEEK

mmm...it's friday...what kinda debauchery can i get myself into this weekend...

CRUSH

i want to tumble out, spill into ur arms, live in ur scent and breath ur passion. i like goin home smellin of u, goin to sleep wrapped in sex, ur touch still hot on my skin.

i...

have a crush on u.
take me out, along cyber walkways eating circuit chip cookies to the whiring hum of my computer fan. we're whiling away the hours, bridging distance with thought, filling voids with words and quelling hunger with each other.

u...

have a crush on me.
i'm a schoolgirl again. u caught me dancing, caught me - in ur eyes and trapped me there, etched my body just beneath ur eyelids so all day, i'm dancing just for u and no one else will ever know.

we...

are enamored.

...it's just a crush.

BORED

i'm sitting at my desk attached to my keyboard for my mandatory 9-5 m-f means to an end. i'm bored. i'm blog surfing...amusing. does anyone work at work anymore? what did ppl do before internet? or worse yet, when we were all using dial up? how did anything get done?

the guy i've been havin racy email conversations with for the last coupla days isn't workin today. free of distractions i actually got all my work done early and am aimlessly tappin away here trying to find some other means of entertainment.

bored...now...

BETTER

i've been riding on ur tribal wings on a summer high. i came up from the ground to find u, to find a world new and glittering. i'm intoxicated by the smell of the hunt, where there is no prey. we're all out to hunt no matter how we want to play it. i was once the girl that danced under the moon with a cookie and a glass of wine now i can finally eat and drink just like everyone else.

WHO'S THERE?

is anyone in IT monitoring my key strokes, my personal email interaction? and if they were, would they rat me out? what would u do?

sometimes partway through the day this thought pops into my head. where i have been online today? dating services? gay sites? burlesque sites? personal email? does anyone care and who doesn't? does someone in new york, who's never met me or know who i am, care? i mean he's probably gettin off on it too, right?

anyone?

REALITY CHECK

as i was getting up this morning i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought, hmm, i look good. WTF! i had to do a double take just to be sure i was lookin at myself. this is a first. it seems to be the summer of amazing firsts for me. what better way to start the day? sleeping for 18hours after an incredibly intense weekend, i guess.

it's starts way back last thursday. i called in sick. last monday was a stat so i only worked 2 days that week. i knew much insanity was to ensue. a five day weekend, 3 crazy chicks, a bottle of absinth and a bottle of alize. we were set and it turned out to be even more insane than i coulda ever imagined! and much too racy for any public blog of mine.

so at the end of all this, the only proof of the weekend i have is a rather messy apartment, a few empty bottles of liquor, a pissed off neighbor and softer skin after my much needed visit to the spa. oh, and yes, the absinth was cleaned out, done, fin.

back to work and back to my neglected blog. i feel like i'm in a alternate reality, the weekend a strange dimension i dreamt myself into. it's so quiet here and everyone so sober and dressed. it grounds me and i know that i am sane.

THE INSANITY CONTINUES

k - it's pathetic, but i'm all with the spontanous smiling agian. i'm so giddy, i'm pathetic but i'm gonna allow and forgive it cuz i never get to be like this. ah...email rocks!

it blows my mind how happy, how insanely warm and fuzzy i feel. fireworks in me head and my eyes r glittery blurred. i understand now that i am living my glory days and damned if i'm not gonna get me some good bragging rights in my old age.

oh and i just found out rhonda ran off to the island with her guy. oh, won't someone stop the insanity?

no fuckin' way!

BACK TO WORK

on friday i went to Atlantis. i'm still tryin to scrub the snooty pretension off me raw body. gag! it sucked. we went to plush after and i was much happier.

i missed the powell street festival and the pride parade due to some poor time management but i did get a good sun soakin at the beach and i caught the festival after the parade.

sunday night i went to the night market in richmond and picked up some old cd's. we went for a long drive to reminisce in some of the early 90's chinese pop culture. we went to white cliff, deep cove, british properties...it was a really long drive. we sang and drove and talked.

just over 2 hours into the drive i realize how much i've been talking and how much i needed to unload. life is good. i've come a long way. sometime last week rhonda's mom told me that in all the time she's known me she's never seen me smile. she's never seen me happy, i was such a somber child and such an emotional-wreck of a teen. she's known me for the better part of 18 years. this struck a sad chord in me. so much time wasted and, in hind sight i see, all it took was cutting ties to the things that hurt me.

my head's been filled with his propaganda 'bout being a big person, 'bout forgiving and moving past...no hard feelings. fuck it! i have every right to feel the way i do, it gives me strength and the wisdom to not look back. i'm a little, petty person and that's just fine.

i'm finally picking apart the amalgam that was created for him. i'm shedding the bits i detested and donning a new found guilt for friends lost along the way. i was weak and silly. i believed in him and i'm left with a sadness, mourning the peices that can never be put back in place. there are some pictures, no matter how perfect they once were, that are smeared with a hurtful hand that was really only meant to push away the pain.

i don't miss him. i keep expecting to unearth some repressed feelings of regret but they r not there. it's still just me, it's always been just me and i'm the only person i've ever been important to - only now there's no one to make me insignificant. i can finally unload, unpack my burdens in a place that is unequivocally mine, my very own.

i can finally go home.