BABBLES

i just got home from work, i'm exhausted. i'm not sure what's wrong but i haven't been able to sleep lately all this overtime at work is killin me. i'm truely not used to really having to work at work. *sigh*

so my birthday was a blast. dinner at Memphis Blues and then to Tonic with our dancin shoes. i wanted to wait till the pictures were up but that could take a while. so at Tonic, i was feelin that since i've never really partied it up for my birthday, i should really make up for lost time this year. i had 26 birthdays to celebrate in one night.

the game: to find cute men to give me a birthday kiss.

the goal: 26 + one for good luck.

the results: 22 (but i still feel like a winner!) we tried to get pictures of all of 'em but only managed to get 20. i think we coulda made it, i think we just ran outta prey.
it was a crazy night!

sunday and monday were spent lounging and not workin. monday night i started my ballroom classes. my ex was there. shitty! he really shouldn't have been in the newcomer class but i think he was just there showin his new girlfriend what it was all about.

now, i don't know how i feel 'bout seein him - but since then i haven't been able to sleep. the last two nights i spent rollin 'round in bed till six in the morning and goin to work like the livin dead. not cool. then again, i could just still be reelin from the crazy adventures of the weekend. who knows.
seein him didn't bug me as much as i thought it would. i just don't like it.

KITTIES!

http://www.kittenbreak.com/
thx janet!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME!

it is technically past my birthday but i just got home from the festivities so i think it still counts.
dinner was amazing, partying afterwards was insanity.

i don't think i've ever felt more loved in my whole life. if this is how birthdays r supposed to pass, i don't think i mind so much anymore. i have absolutely the most thoughtful and loving friends in the world. i am completely overwhelmed by the mass of goodness that eminates from my friends. everybody went all out, the hugs made me teary and the presents were the most thoughtful bunch i coulda imagined. not one off. i'm amazed by how many ppl in my life suddenly know me and am flabergasted by how much everyone cares.

i just know when life is filled with so many good ppl, nothin can keep me down. i have enough support and love to overcome anything!

i can't think any more, don't know if any of this makes any sense. i'm kinda floaty. i don't think i've ever been or could be happier.

i think i'm losing my voice - or i'm got mono! (tee hee hee) i'm goin to bed...pics and an amazin story to come.

BABBLES

looks like indian summer.

i smelled u today. out of no where, something inside stirred. i looked around half expecting to see u and something other than anger hung heavily in my chest.

maybe it's cuz it's my birthday and i'm alone. but haven't i always? only now it's blatant, it undeniable and there's no where for me to hide or i've chosen not to hide for once.

it's a night of broken thoughts, misty dreams and cold hands that want to be held.

tho the anger no longer seeths, i still don't want u, i still see u for what u r and our time together, yet not, still makes me sad. the whole thing weighs heavily on my spirit, it almost broke me - some might think it did.

BABBLES

work is really hellish lately. i'm pooped.

so i got off early today and the birthday weekend starts with a fever. michelle came in yesterday with the flu, we begged her to go home but she wouldn't so now i'm feelin buggy. shitty!

tommorow i've got dance and probably goin out to salsa at the polish community center after (9pm if anyone else is interested). might or might not go see phil...hmmm...*giggles*

sat. doin dinner at Memphis Blues on commercial drive (8pm if anyone is interested) then i'm probably gonna get dragged around to engage in some deviant behavior.

well here's to me, and here's to the finale of the mid-twenties.

DILEMMAS

hmm...phil asked me to go visit him at work this afternoon in the promise of finding some dark corner for us to sneak off to. hmm...to or not to? or do i just invite him back to my office after hours since my manager already thinks i'm doin nasty things here*see FUNNY, HA HA *.

OMFG - i could do it on david's desk!

well, no, not really. but it's a funny thought.

hmm...that boy certainly knows how to keep my head spinnin...

FUNNY, HA HA

blogging has been impossible - work has been frantic.

funny thing happened last week.

i worked late on tues. when i got in on wed, my manager asks me

"what time were u here till last night."

"around 9 i guess"

"did u drop ur purse on ur way out?"

"huh? no." *me really confused*

"r u sure?"

"i'm pretty sure, why" *eyebrows still furrowing from confusion*

"i found that when i got in this morning" *he points to something, i can't tell what. he looks like a little kid that found something he wasn't supposed to and is just giddy, poorly containing it*

"what!?!" *still confused and gettin frustrated, it's still really busy and i got work to do*

"that" *he continues gesturing emphatically toward nothing*

"what the fuck r u pointing at!?! u'r jacket?"

"no, in the garbage"

i look into the garbage can and there, lo and behold, is a condom. i didn't know what to say, i did the obligatory OMFG and walked away.

the condom was mine, but no - there's no racy story here. i wasn't doin anything but workin in the office tues. night (although the opportunity available to me has not gone unnoticed - i'll let u know if i ever get to make anything of this).

lately, since partaking in my little clubbing adventures, my friends and i have gotten into the habit of bringing out condoms/ aka: "party favours" for each other - just in case. i ended up with party favours everywhere. i have them in every purse, a few jacket pockets, in my car - everywhere. i was thinkin earlier on in the week that i should take them out of my purse, lest they appear at inappropriate moments.

so, my manager thinks i'm having sex in the office after hours and gettin paid overtime for it. hmmm...

RAINY DAYS

it's typical vancouver weather, i feel like i'm drowning.

my dad's in the hospital.

i remember when i was little my dad used to tell me that i was his lucky star. life was crap, they lived in a basement on jackson street in chinatown and my dad was in and out of the hospital once or twice a year. i don't remember the jackson street house. he eventually got a job at Venice Bakery taking care of the machines. he was paid comfortably enough to buy a house to move his family into by the time i was born. the house was paid off for as long as i could remember.

he hasn't been in the hospital since i've been born. even though i've been watchin him die for the last few years, this was still quite a scare. it comes from nowhere and bites u in the ass.
i spent most of my life under the impression that when my dad died i wouldn't cry. there was very little love in my life for him. it was a difficult relationship at best, always strained and hopeless. i could never be what he wanted me to be. i was the world's biggest dissappointment because i had the nerve to be born a girl. i was never something to be proud of - just something he hung onto for safe keeping till someone came to take me off his hands. i was never expected to take care of him, i was never meant to stay a part of his family but here i am, all he has to reach his hand out to when he is afraid.

i've never seen someone so terribly alone.

he missed me when i moved out a few years back. he calls me at work once a week - every time the same, "i can't remember what i was gonna say." i think he just needs to hear his own voice and make sure that i'm still here. he asks why i don't come home for dinner, he tells me he wants to see me cuz he can't remember what i look like. it pains me that only distance could make us love each other. it kills me to consider that he may just be settling for me because it's all he has. the only one who jumps when he cries out.

i think i'll cry when my dad dies. i'm already weeping for his sadness, all that he's lost , the guilt makes me sob some nights, raging over things i can't control, things i can't change.
my family kills me a little bit each day.

there's a saying in chinese about both sides of ur hand being ur own flesh. i'm constantly caught in the middle, sad for everyone but never able to draw up sides - no matter how much they want me to. the war's been waged for so long - one against one against one against one. no one can win.

he will die without a son to be proud of - in his eyes, he has failed and will always be alone.
am i gonna be as alone when i die?

i have a fear that i'll be the only one there to hold his hand when he goes and my name will be no where in the last of pleading breaths and when i go, his is still the only acceptance i still need.

STILL BORED

i went out for dinner with janet the other night and got to talkin 'bout bloggers and bloggin.

my bloggin experience has been a strange one, delimmas abundant. what's too personal? what's too boring? why do i do this? well, 1) i need to unload 2) i meet a ton of interesting ppl 3) i'm bored 4) it saves me from tellin the same story 60 times to 60 different ppl (but this seems to happen anyway).

but here's the thing, there are things, events, thoughts i've had that i had the volition to type up but never submitted. is it too personal? would anyone care to read it (read: am i boring)?
is it ok to blog about ur sex life? ur thoughts about ur sex life?

k - another spin: what if ur ex is very likely to find ur blog? is it ok then? i always figured if ppl are here, ppl are reading - then they wanna hear what i gotta say or reading whatever i gotta say is more interesting than whatever they'r usin my blog to distract themselves from.
i've been censoring myself. fear of judgment? fear of sayin too much? fear of him findin my blog? i don't know. but i'm sick of it. but am i really intending to make my sex life and other
very personal shit public? again, as usual, don't know.

it's been a racy summer and i fear forgetting it all if it's not set down anywhere. but is this really the place for it? what do i care who reads this? more importantly, why should i care?
if there's one thing i've learned this summer, it's that my friends love me, faults and all. i have a steady network of support, for which i am eternally grateful, and they love me despite of the mistakes i choose to make and anyone who judges me should go to hell anyway. the moral of this summer: i'm ok. i don't have to hide anymore.

the question is, should i? should some things be left to gigglin about over coffee?

ARE U HOT ENOUGH FOR PLAYBOY?

Playboy Special Editions will be interviewing candidates for its Lingerie, College Girls, Voluptuous Vixens and other themed issues.

hmm....k - well not really, but a girl can dream.

Walt Disney Entertainment is holding national and international auditions for possible performance opportunities with Tokyo Disneyland and Tokyo DisneySea Park.

not a personal long-time fantasy of mine but interesting nontheless.
the paper's just full of fun today.

i'm bored.

nothin to blog about...

bored

bored

bored

BABBLES

there isn't much to say, it's gloomy outside but i've managed to keep it at bay inside. there's a new recept at work...hopefully i won't have to kill her.

i met a guy over the long weekend, oober sweet and i'm excited. it's not gonna be a big grope fest with him, just takin it easy and tryin to get to know each other. i'm all a flutter. it's been a long while since the gettin to know each other bit didn't annoy me.

there seems to be a new criterion for dating me. it seems that u either 1) have to have 2 full time jobs and/or 2) are married - or in a big mangled mess tryin to get out of it. i can't seem to break this pattern.

on another note, when i got to work this morning, i noticed the car parked beside mine had keys dangling on the door. they were still stuck in the key hole. no one was around. what do u do when u see somethin like this?!? i felt the need to do something but nothing helpful came to mind. i coulda taken them so that no one stole the car but the owner would still be keyless for the night.

any great suggestions? i'm a bit o' a lump today.

WTF

i'm riding out the strangest roller coaster of emotions i've ever experienced. i don't know who i am and i'm a little afraid for myself.

i spent friday night in a lull of depression and angry with myself for being me. rhonda finally found another job and will be returning to korea for another year. the summer is coming to a sudden and dreary end.

i feel like a sulky child, i wanna whine and bitch - it hasn't been enough time and i haven't gotten my fill. i'm angry at myself for being such a chicken shit and i want more time to rectify this but i'm sure given the chance, i'd still be shy and quiet and would never do the approaching. i'm depressed that the summer involved so few new people and even fewer new people of interest. as a matter of fact the only guy i find myself interested in is married...long complicated story...married/not married...eh...i can't tell and don't know what to make of it all.
this dating thing sucks and it's hard. i find myself, for the first time in my life, afraid of growing old alone. this isn't an issue i've ever had to think about, i thought we were golden but obviously not.

i've been desperately trying to play, meet new people, laid back and just have me a good old time but i find myself tiring of the game so quickly. i'm getting lonely and terrified of how much worse it's gonna get when rhonda leaves again. it's fun when i'm in the thick of it, but dark and cold when i'm not. how do u figure out what u want? what is enough? he's not cute enough. he's not fun enough. not smart enough. i want it all, is it possible?

i've spent too long just shy of content, i'll be damned if i settle again for something non-ideal but how do i know when to call it quits? i guess most people will just tell me i'll know when the right person comes along but how true could this be? no one i know is dating a complete ideal copy of their fantasy - what makes me think i might find this? when did my love life become so complicated?

mind you...now that i've set the words down, etched in cyber blood, i realize i'm being a prat. if this is the worse of my problems, i'm doin ok. my love life really was hella more complicated before. booze abuse, anti-romantic and unavailable. at least i can rule out all these things unless i'm stupid enough to latch myself onto one of these again but i think i've found the strength to know better next time.

*sigh* this is better than the alternative. it should be exciting, but i'm having a hard time shakin this little gray cloud followin me around.

THUNDER

it's thunderin and i'm by myself.

i used to go running to him every time it got bad. perhaps it was the noise or just the unsettling feeling it left in my gut but i always thought the world was gonna end or somethin doomsdayish was just around the corner.

i've come to realize that i'm not afraid any more. i found comfort in it all those times i was terrified but he was unavailable when he promised he'd be there but wasn't.

it's not so bad, is it?

BLEH

works been busy, i'm goin through blog withdrawl.

what is it with me the married guys lately?

went to see Open Water last night. dissappointment. unrealistic and kinda annoying - although they manage to make me feel water-logged in a theater. the main gal was annoyingly bitchy and the guy was unrealistically understanding and patient. i had a hard time with it.

Underworld 2 and Two For the Money are goin into production, Romeo and Collector are still in shoot so work's gonna be hectic for a while. i have a hunch that michelle is job searching. i wish her well, she's dead weight here and really i don't like being called a fat prostitute so often.

i'm hurting for a bloggy fix...